Suburban Warrior

Little Gym

2007-04-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I bit the bullet and joined Little Gym for daughter #2. I did the baby class thing with Daughter #1...so...fair is fair. I hated every minute of it with Daughter #1, but we'll see...We took out a second mortgage so we could afford the cost as the price of LG is not much cheaper than college tuition (LG even refers to their time schedules as "semesters"...that kills me!). It would be very helpful to the parents if Little Gym would offer some type of 529 plan or scholarships to deserving families. For instance, my daughter is exceptional in parachute activity and clapping...skills the LG should recognize and encourage in their students. I believe an award involving price reduction or monetary credit is not out of the question. Just my opinion...

The problem with Elizabeth's class seven years ago was the mothers in the class. How could I put this delicately...they were idiots. First time moms tend to be that way. Hey, I admit I was a bit over the top at times, but nothing compared to some women. I remember one particular part of the class involved "discussion time". We sat in a big circle (after singing the required "Wheels on the Bus, "Where is Thumper?", and "If You're Happy and You Know It") and shared our thoughts/questions on parenting...That was the first problem. I don't like to share. And I really don't like sharing with complete strangers (why do I blog?). It was bad enough I had to enthusiastically bounce my child on my knees and pretend to enjoy acting out some ridiculous song about soldiers marching up a hill and back down every frickin class...but the discussion part just about sent me over the edge...the assinine questions these women asked amazed me!

MOMMY #1: "Um, yes, how do I wean my son?" (Call me Dr. Brazelton, but I do believe TAKING HIM OFF YOUR BREAST IS A GOOD PLACE TO START! duh).

MOMMY GENIUS #2: "My baby kicks his feet constantly, is that ok?". (NO!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP HIM!! His legs could fall off!!). Come to think of it, I remember Aunt Meggy calling me with this same question with regards to her first born...

MOMMY EINSTEIN #3: "How many times a day should I be changing Connor's diaper?" (FYI: Every child born between 1998-2000 was named either Connor or Meghan).

To top it off, one mom in our group had really funky eyes...both of her eyes were cross eyed. It was very annoying if she was sitting near me...I could never tell if she was addressing me or someone on the other side of the circle.

Anyhoo, Eileen and I went to our first class on Friday morning. We did all the aformentioned activities. To my great surprise I enjoyed every minute of it. I guess in my old age I'm getting soft. Or I've learned to appreciate what a great gift a child truly is...

Get me a tissue...

ZIP IT!!!

2007-03-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

I know...I know...I'm a pathetic blogger...but just ZIP IT and take it when it comes.

Anyhoo, I went to see my new niece, Grace Ann, in NJ (and the rest of the LOUD FAMILY). Besides some weird growth on her forehead, she's a beaut. The whole time we were there the child never made a peep. Damn it.

However, I do believe all the hormone changes going on in Aunt Meggy's body are taking a mental toll. The following is a true conversation I had with Aunt Meggy:

ME: "You know, Elizabeth is really into the story of Anne Frank these days."

AM: "Oh, that's nice..."

ME: "You do know who Anne Frank is, don't you?"

AM: "Uh, duh...she's the one who taught Helen Keller!"

STUNNED SILENCE

ME: "Um, no...that would be Annie Sullivan."

AM: "Whatever."

I really hope my dad doesn't read this.

She's Here!!

2007-02-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

Grace Ann arrived last night...SCREAMING IN TRUE FAMILY FORM!

Anyhoo, I'm not too pleased with the name of the child. Aunt Meggy wanted to name her "Kelli" after the Warrior, but Harry John refused because, in his words, "I have a bad association with that name" (as if anyone with the name Harry John should be picky on names...). To be perfectly honest, I really truly thought he was kidding...I thought when the baby finally came (and it was a girl) they would call me and coyly say, "We were joking!!! We were always going to call her Kelli, but we wanted to surprise her namesake!! We can't wait until you meet lil Kelli Ann!!!" But they didn't say that. They called her Grace Ann. Whatever. I've never known anyone cool named Grace, have you?? I told my sister everyone must really like that name because there are at least four Graces in Elizabeth's class alone.

I bet Grace Ann suffers from colic...what a shame that would be!!!

STAND BACK...SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!

2007-02-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

Yes, my friends, as we blog Aunt Meggy is pushing out, yet again, another LOUD CHILD!! Number 4 for anyone out there keeping score.

Hopefully, this will be the last of Harry John's spawn!

STAY TUNED!!!

Does Anyone Have Any Bread?

2007-01-26T07:34:00.000-08:00

Well, Mr. Winter caught Mommy of the Year by surprise, AGAIN!

We got our first snowfall earlier in the week and the kids were all thrilled to get out there and have "snow fun". Whatever. Snow fun is just a big pain in my ass...with the layers of clothes, the mittens, the snowpants, the wail of "I'm cold" and the hats causing static hair. Of course, Elizabeth was chomping at the bit to get out there. Only one problem...we had no boots or snowpants for her. I explained that I would go to Target in the morning and she could play outside tomorrow. Well, after having her nose pressed up against the window and watching all the other children having their "snow fun" she was near tears. Damn it. (I started to feel guilty because just the week before I had a pair of boots for her in my Target cart... but...then I saw something I wanted and ditched the boots in housewares. Yes, I put my needs first, so sue me.)

What was I to do? Thankfully, I remembered what my ingenious mother use to use in lieu of snowboots...she simply put bread bags over our shoes and tied them with rubber bands. Yes, it was humiliating, but at least we got to go outside. Granted, it took us about two hours to get up a small hill with our sleds due to traction problems...

If bread bags were good enough for me, they're good enough for my offspring. I didn't have any rubber bands so Elizabeth's bread bags were held up with hair ties.

Boots shmoots!

Huh? What? Where am I?

2007-01-22T07:03:00.000-08:00

Please excuse...I am barely alive...put myself on South Beach Diet...very weak...barely standing...in and out of consciousness...not sure what day it is...or is it night?

All this because I agreed to take child to an indoor water park resort and must put on a bathing suit in two weeks...

I'm starting to see spots...

GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!

2007-01-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

What do these geriatrics have in common?? They both continue to think they are twenty-five years old and can be action heroes!! Uh, not so much, boys!

Yes, presently you can find Sylvester Stallone in ROCKY XIIIIIIIIII, allegedly going toe-to-toe with someone who could be his grandson. It doesn't matter that Rocky now looks about as old as his first coach, Mickey (Meredith Burgess in vein-popping performances...). Seriously, have you seen Sylvester recently? His face is more bloated than Jerry Lewis' face. At least in this go-round Adrian had the decency to act her age (she's dead).

Harrison Ford? Har-ri-son Ford?? Ok, that guy has been in a midlife crisis for the last decade. First, he gets his ear pierced. Then he ditches his wife. Then he takes up flying...AND THEN...AND THEN... HE STARTS DATING THAT WALKING CADAVER, CALISTA FLOCKHART!!!! (Sidenote: I don't get her. I didn't get Ally McBeal. I don't get her.) Anyhoo, this fool is about to start filming a new Indiana Jones movie with him, naturally, as the hero. As if.

You know who I blame for this false sense of age? I blame Dick Clark. Yes, you heard me...Dick Clark. I admit Dick hung in there a very long time...he looked great for his age...up until...HE HAD A FRICKIN STROKE!! Did you see that man on the last two "Dick Clark's New Year's Eve"? Sad, just sad. Note to Dick: Exit stage left, buddy. Are they going to just keep draggin that man out every New Year's from 11:46 to 11:48 simply because he's Dick Clark?? Pretty soon its going to start looking a lot like "Weekend at Bernie's"...

The sun has set...go home already.

Matthew Who???

2007-01-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

New year, new crush! SW is breaking up with Matthew McConoughy and taking up with a new man. Yes, you heard me correctly!!! True, you can't get much better eye candy than Matthew, but let's be honest...he was as dumb as a box of rocks. SW needs more. SW deserves more. Plus, Matthew is losing his hair.

My new boyfriend's name is Kyle. Kyle Chandler plays Coach Taylor on Friday Night Lights and he is yummy! I first met Kyle when he starred in the show "Early Edition" or something like that (the premise was that his character's delivered newspaper contained news that was about to happen...thus creating some sticky situations for Kyle. It was stupid.) Also, Kyle is even more attractive because he is on my favorite show! If you don't watch this show...START! You may be inclined to think it airs on Friday nights, but don't be fooled...it's on WEDNESDAY NIGHTS at 8:00 pm (7:00 Central Time).

Watch the show and let me know what you think! Oh, by the way, as cute as Kyle is, he is still second to my husband.

Resolution #1

2007-01-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

A new year...a more improved blog.

Let me explain the problem. My computer is housed in the same room as I house Daughter #2, so I can only blog when Daughter #2 is awake...and we all know that when the "bear" is awake nothing gets done, especially anything that requires the use of your arms. Suburban Warrior tends to use her arms to type...

Upcoming topics: dead Saddam, still living (barely!!) Dick Clark and his New Year's Eve Rockin Eve Show, my new favorite show (Friday Night Lights), Aunt Meggy and her vaginal varicose vein, Irene's Square Dance Party, the logistics of square dancing with a midget, Financial Success in 2007 and many, many more intriguing subjects!!

So, I ask you to be patient, stay tuned and have a Happy New Year!!

Speaking of Marriage...

2006-10-29T04:42:00.001-08:00

Today, my husband celebrates TWELVE years of sheer bliss with moi.

Yes, twelve years ago I glided down the aisle (yes people...glide...as I was thirty pounds lighter) into his waiting arms. As we exchanged vows and looked into each other's eyes, I thought to myself, 'SUCKER!'.

Anyhoo, twelve years and two children later, I still can't believe my luck.

Speaking of Marriage...

2006-10-29T04:42:00.000-08:00

You're Doing What????

2006-10-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

Poor Aunt Meggy.

I called NJ to touch base with Aunt Meggy, who is now six months preggers with Loud Baby #4! As if her house isn't crazy enough, this is what was going on there...

ME: "Hey, what are you doing? I just called to let you know that Fox Reality TV is having a marathon of 'My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance', which I know you wouldn't want to miss since you are basically married to his twin".

AM: "Damn, I love Randi and the whole Coy family, but I'm sorta busy picking up crotchless undies...and besides we're right in the middle of watching 'Little People, Big World'."

ME: "Oh." What the? "Let me get this straight. Did I hear you right...you're picking up crotchless underwear while watching midgets?"

AM: Sigh..."Yeah, apparently Herbie (their new puppy) has taken a liking to my underpants and Ally's undies and eats the crotches out of them. He hasn't touched the males' underpants (DUH!! Think Harry John!!), but he can't get enough of ours. And those midgets are amazing..."

My poor sister...this is her life. I just knew nothing good could come out of marrying that man...

It Is ALWAYS Mom's Fault!!

2006-10-04T05:23:00.000-07:00

One of the drawbacks of having daughters is that, no matter what, they can find some way to blame their MOTHER for everything...

As I was brushing my daughter's hair for school this morning, she informed me that yesterday a classmate made fun of her hair. I asked Elizabeth what she said in response to the girl. Without hesitation, Elizabeth said, "Oh, I told her 'my mother is doing the best she can'".

Thanks Elizabeth...I try.

Look Out Rachel Ray!!

2006-09-18T05:31:00.000-07:00

As mentioned, Suburban Warrior hates to cook. Fortunately, Suburban Warrior's Prince does, so we are able to survive (unfortunately, this gives THE HUSBAND an attitude... like he's so great...sheesh.)

Anyhoo, Paul is determined that his future sons-in-law do not meet the same fate as he...so he encourages Elizabeth in the kitchen. Elizabeth seems to enjoy this hobby and I often find her alone in front of the TV watching Emeril or Rachel Ray (ok, so she's not the most popular kid on the block).

The other day I'm driving the carpool home and I'm listening to Elizabeth and the eight year old boy we drive home from school. He's talking about french fries. French fries. Elizabeth asks him, "Well, have you ever had salmon, Robbie?". Silence. Robbie responds, "You mean that fish?". To which Elizabeth explains, "Yes, and if you put a pinch of salt and rosemary on it before you grill the salmon, it's delicious!!!". Hmmm, I wonder to myself if Rachel Ray was a lonely girl...

Peanutbutter and jelly??? PSSHHAW...that's for junior varsity!!!

Reality Check

2006-09-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm talking with a friend the other day...

She (and you know who YOU are) happened to mention that she was the oldest mother in her daughter's first grade class. This said friend is only two years older than the Warrior ...so, of course, I found this stunning! Shocking really. Anyhoo, I responded that I found this hard to fathom as "I believe myself to be the median age of my daughter's classmates' mothers". Silence from said friend...

FINALLY, she looks at me and says, "If you think that, you are fooling yourself".

She is no longer welcome in my home.

Does This Have Tartar Control??

2006-08-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

Note to Self:

Never, NEVER leave the baby's Butt Paste ointment in the vicinity of where I usually keep my toothpaste.

Yummy.

Summer Survival

2006-07-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

I know...I know...I'm a pathetic blogger.

Anyhoo...we've been busy this summer...We have done our annual trips to Emerald Isle, NC, Ocean City, MD and Rehoboth Beach, DE. I'm exhausted from simply packing the darn minivan for those trips...I had forgotten how much baby crappola is necessary when travelling. Portable cribs, portable swings, portable bouncy seats, portable highchairs, portable playmats, etc. Well, you know what I discovered about myself? I ain't that "portable" at forty years old! God, just let me stay home! And you know what else? Once you have children and you let them come with you on vacation...there really is no vacation.

HOWEVER, the MOST stressful part of the trip is merely surviving the car ride down there. No the girls are well behaved, it's the husband thinking he's a NASCAR driver on Interstate 95. There is probably no reason to go in depth about his weaving, not letting people merge, speeding, and overall lack of patience with all other drivers, etc. because it seems (through consultation with my sisters-in-law) that this is a common practice among males. Even my senior citizen, Buick LeSabre driving father is guilty of this behavior(speaking of Buick LeSabres, I challenge anyone to spot someone under the age of seventy driving a LeSabre! It can't be done! I've been looking for years...). I've learned to simply grit my teeth, say Hail Marys, and hope for the best. When I can't control myself and point out his aggressive driving, he usually responds with his patented answer, "Well, it would have been his/her fault".

Yeah...ok...remind me of that when I'm being fed through a tube!!. Fool.

Irene, We Hardly Knew Ye

2006-06-22T04:44:00.000-07:00

I know people, I've heard the news.

The sun has set for one of our neighbor bloggers. Apparently, Irene could not maintain her "Scene". Understandable. Writing a blog every few days is not for the weak or for sissies and as we know, Irene is both of those. The good news is that Suburban Warrior will not edit Irene from her life so you can find out what Irene's been up to (if anyone cares) if you stay tuned to this more interesting blog. Will Irene get her boob job? Will Irene produce another cowboy? Will Irene ever become fashionable? Will laser hair removal really work on Irene's mug? Is Irene really a man?

Goodnight Irene...and good luck.

Ready...Aim...FIRE!!!

2006-06-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

So Elizabeth turned seven the other day! I can't believe it...she leaves for college in another ten years. I think she could actually leave tomorrow and do ok...socially, not necessarily academically (at least not without her abacus).

We decided not to have the usual birthday party hoopla for her this year. Poor deprived child. She was ok with that. Proof positive that we are really good parents, I think. Anyhoo, Elizabeth really, really wanted to get her ears pierced so we decided to indulge her and agreed (we have gone through this song and dance before...Elizabeth ALWAYS chickens out when we get to the mall). Not so this time.

Our first mistake was going to the mall to do this on a Saturday afternoon. Granted, I usually hate the general public in general, but this was beyond hell...it was packed with wild tweens gearing up for the summer!!!! They were everywhere....giggling, running, drinking Starucks, and just plain getting in my damn way. Of course, the bulk of these kids were congregating in and around our ear piercing destination...the lovely and upscale jewelry shop, "Claire's". Yeah, not so much. Claire's is cheese of the cheese, but every seven year old girl's dream store...unlimited supplies of cheap jewelry, hair supplies, and crap. The store is crammed with people, the merchandise (and I use that term liberally) is strewn all over the aisles (which are approximately two feet wide) and I begin to feel like I want to beat the living hell out of someone. I am pushing Eileen in a stroller (not really pushing, more like ramming it into the displays to make the aisles a little more wider...) and running over the debris on the floor in an effort to reach the counter and find a "Claire's associate" to help us pierce Elizabeth's ears. I am sweating by the time I reach the counter...only to find a young girl (she looked ten to me) behind the check-out sporting roughly seven earrings in each ear. Employee discount I guess...The Pirate Associate informs me she is alone in the store right now (on a crowded Saturday!!!) but her co-worker will be back momentarily as she just went to get a drink of water. Great. We'll just wait... right... over...well, we'll just wait RIGHT HERE CONSIDERING WE CAN'T FRICKIN MOVE in this crowded hell hole!!!!

You know what? I'm getting too worked up writing this...so I'll cut to the chase. After signing my life away (you now have to sign all this paperwork basically promising not to ever sue Claire's if my kid's ears fall off due to their idiotic "consultant's" pierce job), Elizabeth sat firm and the job was done!! I have to admit I did hesitate when I read the paperwork and realized some girl was about to drill holes into my daughter's flesh, but then I let her do it anyway because I thought of the alternative...someday I would have to return to this God-forsaken store and eventually let her get her ears pierced!!! "Pierce away!!!" I screamed!

Irene, consider yourself lucky to have sired boys!

Hmm...How Should I Take That...?

2006-06-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

The other day the girls and I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a few months. She congratulated Warrior for procreating yet another magnificently beautiful human being. What can I say...it's my genes. Anyhoo...said individual commented on how much Elizabeth looks like my husband. I agreed and said I may have to try for Baby #3 so I can at least have one child that resembles me (thus becoming even more magnificent than the existing creations. So beautiful that you MUST look away or your eyes will get burned. Even more breathtaking than that Nambian Princess Shiloh Noveu Jolie-Pitt!) . The woman looked over at Elizabeth, who was spinning a hoola hip around her neck, and gave her the once over...then she turned to me and said, "Well...Elizabeth has your legs." Uh, ok...what the #%$#??? Now, keep in mind Elizabeth is only six, so how bad can her legs be?? However, the flip side of that thinking is...a six your old has no definition in her legs whatsoever (at least my kid doesn't).

Anyway, I really didn't know how to take that comment...so I decided not to say she had her son's chest.

Devil Daughter

2006-05-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

We have officially changed Eileen's name to "Iscream".

That's all I have to say about that.

Oh, That's Just Sad...

2006-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

I have officially hit an all-time rock bottom with regards to my weight.

Today I went to my obgyn for my six week post-delivery checkup. I had to get on the scale. Here comes the really SAD part...I WEIGHED 2 POUNDS MORE THAN I did at my two week post-delivery checkup!!! I push out a baby yet continue to gain weight. I know what the problem is...there is a pattern...baby has a screaming jag, Warrior does everything in her power to soothe ballistic child...after a long thirty minutes Eileen's screaming usually susbsides...Warrior uses this break in the action long enough for Warrior to shove some type of chocolate or sugar coated snack down her throat...that is how Warrior "soothes " herself. The cycle repeats itself throughout the day.

Bathing suit season is three weeks away...hoo-ray.

Eileen

2006-04-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

I thought Elizabeth inherited my Irish temper??...Oye! Eileen is quite the lil pistol! As I told Irene, we are no longer planning a baptism, but rather an exorcism. Thank God she also got my looks as she is damn cute...so we will keep her, for now.

Eileen's favorite things include: screaming, eating, screaming, spitting up, screaming, catnapping, screaming, burping, screaming, farting, screaming...I think you get the picture. However, I can honestly say the second time around it doesn't bother me as much because I know it is all temporary, plus I refuse to give Irene or Harry John any satisfaction in knowing my struggle!! Did I tell you Harry John called during labor and wanted to know "how bad does it hurt?" and "are you screaming??" between his chuckles! After I returned home with baby, he continued his harassing calls to check on the severity of my pain due to sore nipples and breastfeeding. He stated that he took abundant pleasure in knowing my nipples were bloody and cracked. He is my cross.

Eileen is screaming again...God love her...

Easter Has Been Cancelled!!

2006-04-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

As previously stated, Harry John is a no-good son of a gun. Look what he did to the Easter Bunny...

IT'S A ...

2006-04-06T07:17:00.000-07:00

GIRL!!!!

Yes, my friends, Eileen arrived on March 28th weighing in at 8 lbs. 4 oz. What length was she?? That's a detail I rarely care about when people tell me about their newborns...so I'll spare you unnecessary facts. Some of you have requested details of the birth...well, it's still too raw. Soon...soon...One word: OUCH. Plus, my time is limited these days...I'm sure you will all understand.

But I will fill you in during a later post. You'll be happy to know the usual cast of characters (hubby, Aunt Meggy, my mother, Irene AND Harry John) all had something to contribute during this hectic time...

Anyhoo...I'll be back!!

I AM DONE!!!

2006-03-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

Well, my long journey of pregnancy is about to come to an end (induction planned for March 31). I think I've handled myself with grace and dignity throughout this ordeal...and I am glowing!! For the most part, my body has held up fine, but like Irene I need some work done on my face. I still don't know if I'm birthing a boy or a girl, but if the old saying holds true that "a girl takes the beauty out of her mother" than we know I'm having a BOY!! I'll be back...

I Was Feeling Good About Myself...

2006-03-18T07:40:00.000-08:00

until the following conversation with my husband

ME: "Hey, I went to the obgyn today and I didn't gain one pound in the last week!!!" (FYI: at my last appointment I had gained SIX pounds in a week...not pretty).

HUSBAND: "Well...you certainly didn't LOSE any weight either..."

This is the thanks I get for carrying his child. Sheesh.

"Smiles Everyone, Smiles..."

2006-03-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Not only has this pregnancy taken a physical toll on me, but apparently a mental toll as well. After viewing every single "Lifetime" and "Oxygen" television movie ever made while on bedrest, I eventually turned to E! for boredom relief. Do you know what I actually watched the other day---three times?!?!?! The E! THS (for you novices, this stands for E!'s True Hollywood Story) of Herve Villachaize. Who? Yes, Herve Villachaize. I will refresh your memories with a picture of my little dwarf friend (see above)...

Why would I watch this? Well, for one...I couldn't stand the sight of Meredith Baxter, Patty Duke Astin or Melissa Gilbert on Lifetime or Oxygen for one more second!! Plus, as the E! show progressed it was like a car wreck...I had to watch to see what would happen to poor Herve. Apparently, Herve was a very disturbed and angry lil fella. Not only did he abuse drugs and alchohol, but people as well!! (Who exactly would take abuse from a 3 foot midget is a whole other post). Additionally, E! reported that Herve suffered from some physical problems as well...Ummmm....DUH!!! It got so bad that for years lil Tattoo wouldn't leave his bed. Herve never recovered the fame he acquired playing Tattoo on Fantasy Island and this led to deep depression (it has been reported that Herve left Fantasy Island because, according to him, "he wasn't being treated like the others on the show..." Again, I say, "DUH!!". Look in the mirror, HERVE... you are NOT like the others!!). His life ended when he shot himself in the chest while on his patio.

This story obviously had an impact on me...as I dreamt I gave birth to Herve last night.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me...

2006-03-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

Cool your jets, I'm back...for the moment. I'll probably be disappearing again shortly, as the demon seed is expected in the next few weeks.

Anyhoo...my mother has done it, AGAIN!! The usual: unsolicited advice. The incredible thing about my mother is that she is so worldly and all knowing, yet never seems to leave her wing chair!!! Amazing! She is an authority on a multitude of subjects, especially ones concerning morality/religion. And this knowledge just floats into her head as she sits in her chair, looking out the window, waiting for me to arrive to learn what is best for all mankind. The other day's conversation is just a sampling:

MOTHER: "I've been thinking..."

RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG...RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT!!!

ME: gulp, here we go...

MOTHER: "You're not going to make Paul sleep at the hospital again after you deliver the baby?"

ME: "Whaddya mean?"

MOTHER: "Well, after you had Elizabeth, you made the poor man sleep at the hospital with you...in a pull out chair and he was so tired...I mean that was a bit dramatic on your part, don't you think?"

ME: "Oh, HE was tired?? Did HE just push out another human being out of HIS vagina? I do believe I was a bit tuckered out myself, MOTHER!!"

MOTHER: "Well...I'm just saying...your father NEVER would have stayed with me after our babies were born".

ME: "Um, Mom, you were in something called "twilight sleep" with all your deliveries. Your doctor gave you an injection and 'POOF' you were asleep...You simply woke up and a pretty nurse in a crisp white uniform and cap reported you had had 'another healthy daughter'. The baby stayed in the nursery, where the pretty nurse rocked and BOTTLE FED your new baby while you rested for a FULL WEEK in your hospital bed!!! During this time you also received a shot so all the milk in your mammary glands would dry up...thereby allowing you to miss out on that lovely feeling of your breasts turning into hot, hard, bowling balls."

MOTHER: "Oh, you're so crass. I would never talk that way to my mother..."

And on it goes...

What Are You Looking At??

2006-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

So, I got to get off bedrest recently...to go to give blood for my glucose test (a requirement for pregnant women). I was a little nervous about the test because the night before I ate half a sheet cake.

I was actually looking forward to it merely to get the heck out of my house after a long month of bedrest. Unfortunately, my appointment was for 7:00 am and the lab was a good twenty minutes from my residence. For this reason I had to get out my door by 6:30--basically the middle of the night. Of course, when the alarm rang out in the morning, I commenced hitting the SNOOZE button until 6:25, leaving me with a full five minutes to get going. No problem, as Suburban Warrior often takes on an asexual look with a wardrobe of baseball hat, sweatshirt,
cargo pants, no makeup, etc. As I looked at my reflection in my full length mirror, I thought to myself, "Well, I bet the people at the lab have never seen a pregnant man before". (Not to mention, my lip and eyebrows have not been waxed since the summer and each day I look more and more like Groucho Marx).

Anyhoo, I arrive at the lab and check in with the receptionist (after establishing the fact that I was, indeed, female). She informs me it will be a few minutes and for me to have a seat until I am called. At this particular lab, you must give your full birthdate to establish your identity before they take you back to have your blood work. Not a problem as I know my birthday. But I really wasn't prepared for what I witnessed next...The receptionist called "Sally Hall" (names changed to protect the innocent) and an obviously pregnant woman went to the front desk. The receptionist asked for her birthdate...and this was her response, "1981".WHAT THE ?!?! Did that girl, who I thought looked just like me, say 1981?!?! 19 frickin 81!! OH MY GOD!! I think I was at my school prom in 1981! How can someone born in 1981 be having a baby? After I did the math, I realized it was possible for someone born in 1981 to be having a legitimate pregnancy! Ssheesh. Then a chill went through my body...I AM OLD!! AND I'M HAVING A BABY! To make myself relax I just reminded myself that forty is the new thirty!! I can have a baby at forty if I want!! That dumb 1981 girl is a baby having a baby and she won't know what she's doing. Ahh, I felt better. Then the receptionist called the next pregnant woman and asked her what her birthdate was. My heart sank again when the lil bitch said "1978". Damn it! Who are these freaks?!

Finally, my name was called. I pulled my geriatric body up and off my chair and made the walk of shame to the receptionist's desk where I was to report my birtdate. I stated "12/5/1965" as discreetly as possible. Apparently, too discreetly...as the receptionist said, "did you say 1975?".
Ahem, NO I DID NOT and are you MOCKING ME?!?! I slowly pulled down the bill of my baseball cap and corrected her, "uh, no, I said 1965". I swear to you, the lady sitting directly next to the desk stopped reading her book, put it in her lap and looked up to see who in God's name uttered that prehistoric date...could I take any more humiliation? I just wanted to get home, back in bed and wait for the grim reaper.

Needless to say, I passed my blood test with flying colors.

We're Doomed...We're Doomed!!

2005-12-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with Chicken Little, aka Irene. Irene has worked herself into a complete state of panic over the possibility of the Bird Flu coming to our metropolitan area. Apparently, Irene was up all last night listening to a radio program warning of the flu's arrival, which then prompted her to get up and do some research on it on the internet...all at 3:00 am. Irene's on a mission now...there's no stopping Irene from finding an antidote...I do believe there is a puzzle piece missing from Irene's brain.

How does this affect Suburban Warrior? Well, Irene is insisting I implement some type of action plan for when this outbreak occurs. Uh, ok...but can I just get through this pregnancy first? It's hard to implement any type of action plan when one is ordered on bedrest by one's obgyn. And will SW's husband initiate a plan? His approach to stay safe is "just don't kiss any chickens". It's like after 9/11...I had to purchase the duct tape AND the plastic wrap AND the extra batteries AND the flashlights AND the water AND the transistor radio AND the First Aid Kit AND all the Rubberemaid containers to hold all of our stored emergency food for the home and car (which I often raid when I find myself short on food when friends drop by unannounced)!! And I won't even mention the bomb shelter I started digging...Yes, Suburban Warrior does it all. But this Bird Flu threat? My hands are tied. And do you think Irene could/would help me in this type of emergency? PUH-LEASE! She has us all dead within minutes of the first infected bird entering North American airspace.

Anyhoo, what are we to do?

Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? To infect Irene...

Let Me Explain...

2005-12-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

No, I am not dead and I have not retired to Leisure World (MUSH!). I wasn't too worried about my readers' entertainment needs as there is always Irene's Scene (not as good, but a work in progress).

Anyhoo...let's recap the last month or so in my house, shall we...My daughter had a terrible case of strep throat, Warrior had the stomach flu, Warrior went to the hospital because of preterm labor, Warrior was sent home with medication to combat preterm labor, Warrior returns to the hospital this time because Warrior's outdoorsy husband, Paul Bunyon, practically cut his hand off with an ax while chopping wood (no comment) and needed some of his digits stitched back into place and put into a splint, Warrior TURNED FORTY, and last night, Warrior returned to the hospital because of contractions again. We are currrently in the process of trading in our minivan for an ambulance.

And how have you been?

The Rolling Bones

2005-10-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

The Rolling Stones performed in our town recently. Now, I enjoy the Stones' MUSIC, but as for the geriatrics that make up the band...uh, not so much.

First off, Mick Jagger. Mick Jagger...sexy? He's vile...his sixty year old body slithering around in spandex?!! His face looks like an old raisin to me. Could someone explain what is attractive about this man? If you find Mick cute, did you also have a thing for Hume Cronyn? And his age has nothing to do with it...he was just as repulsive when he was in his twenties. Granted, I'll give him credit for being able to move like that at his age. I mean, he's basically the same age as my mother...and she recently gave up taking baths because "it's just too hard getting in and out of the bathtub...".

Keith Richards. He kills me. He looks like he's been run over by a bus at least ten times. And have you ever really looked at his hands (photo above)?!? How this man can boil water nevertheless strum a guitar with those fingers is beyond me. My ninety year old grandmother's hands looked better than that...and she was forced to move into an assisted living facility because she couldn't open doors anymore.

The other two band members? Whatever...(Although the guy on the left reminds me of someone's creepy uncle...someone I would be sure to keep at a distance from my children).

But the Stones keep on makin music and entertaining us. AARP should be proud!

Comments

2005-10-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

This is really directed towards some readers who use my comment section.

Please stop assuming I leave comments under different names in my comment section...I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE DONE THIS!. Why would I do that? If I have anything to say, I'll say it in MY POST section.

If you have nothing to say, don't, but stop leaving comments commenting on supposed Suburban Warrior comments AS THEY ARE NOT MINE!! Plus, that simply shows a lack of originality on your part. If you don't enjoy my blog...well...beat it!! Who needs ya?!!!! If you're so clever, go start your own blog!

Thank you.

OH MY...

2005-10-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

It was a dark, dreary day...

The sun hadn't been out in days, the rain was coming down sideways and I hadn't seen another person outside in days...the electricity would come and go...come and go...and with each flicker of the lights, I would catch my breath. As the day continued on, the wind picked up and began to howl and the sky became darker and darker AND darker. SUDDENLY, I heard a noise...a noise I had feared, but a noise I knew I could not escape!!! I gathered my strength and courage and went to deal with the horror of what I knew lurked behind the door...

I could hear the creatures before I saw them...Then ever so slowly, the creaking metal door opened...and out fell the bodies one by one...

"Hey, Aunt Kelli, guess what?"

"Guess how many days we're staying, Aunt Kelli...Guess?!?!"

"Guess what my new doll's name is, Aunt Kelli, GUESS GUESS GUESS?!?!"

OH MY GOD...THEY'RE BAAAAACK...!!!! Aunt Meggy and the Loud Family arrived via their WINDSTAR minivan...

Stay tuned...

Speaking of Pregnancy...

2005-10-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, it seems so many Hollywood stars are doing the baby 'thang!

First, congrats to that very classy (and well dressed!) couple Brittany and Kevin Federline on the birth of their son, Preston!! I wonder if Kevin will stick around to raise this third child of his? I haven't seen a picture of Brittany since the birth, but she was looking pretty hefty leading up to the birth. No wonder...every picture I saw of her she was chowing down on Cheetos or exiting a Starbucks with some whipped cream topped frappe (VENTE size!). Well, she's young...and apparently she enjoyed herself being pregnant...but...word from the wise, Brittany: YOU BETTER GET DANCIN!!

The news of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (TOMKAT) really disturbs me. That's basically because Tom Cruise really disturbs me. That's because I truly believe Tom Cruise is disturbed. I admit it, in the eighties and nineties I was a Tom Cruise fan (I mean who can deny all the male beauty in Top Gun? I totally agreed with the Iceman...Tom Cruise, Maverick, could be MY WINGMAN ANYTIME! Meow!). But as I matured, not to mention got taller, I realized Tom Cruise was not all that...he's got little man syndrome and tries to overcome this by acting like Mr. Thrill Seeker who Grabs Life By The Balls. Yeah, not so much, Tom. I'm not going to even touch his weird Scientology beliefs...I just hope Katie can snap out of the voodoo curse he apparently has on her. Hopefully, she can accomplish this before she goes into labor...as I've read that true Scientologists frown upon using any drugs during delivery. Additionally, Scientologists prefer no talking/screaming, etc. during labor or for the first week of the newborn's life. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALL ABOUT??? I truly hate to wish bad things on people...but let's all be honest...I bet there are more than a few people out there hoping Katie and Tom's baby decides to come out sideways, is a horrible breastfeeder who continually bites sweet Katie's lil nipples until they bleed and crack (remember Katie, no crying or talking!), has colic (hmmm....are Scientology babies allowed to cry??), refuses to sleep more than one hour at a time AND gets the worst case of baby acne ever documented!!! But I'm sure one of Tom's little vitamins will clear all that up!

I'll be keeping these babies and Katie in my prayers.

Getting Hit with the Pregnancy Stick

2005-10-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank my husband for putting up with me for the last few weeks. In a nutshell, I have basically been a big, hungry, blob who sits on the couch waiting for my next meal. My main activity for the day is breathing. As for the condition of my house...well, let's just say some houses that were in the direct path of Katrina are in better shape than my house at this point...and yet, my husband NEVER complains. Then again, he created this mess.

Anyhoo, my husband and I have been debating whether to find out the sex of our little gift from God. Husband says no, I say maybe...but only with his blessing. Although, I have this very strong maternal feeling the baby is a girl...so the test may not even be necessary....as we all know Surbuban Warrior is always right. There is also the old wive's tale about how a baby girl sucks the beauty out of her mother...hmmm....luckily I've been blessed with more beauty than the average woman. However, I must admit, I have looked better.

That reminds me of Aunt Meggy when she was pregnant. Pregnant Aunt Meggy was sitting around, fat as a house, with some friends and ANTHONY and she shared the tale about how a girl baby takes the beauty out of her pregnant mother. Anthony heard this, took a long look at Aunt Meggy and said, "then you are most definitely carrying TWIN GIRLS!!". God love Anthony's wife.

Well, it's time for me to eat again...

Irene's Big Pie Hole!!

2005-09-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Well, for all you family members/friends out there who DIDN'T KNOW I WAS WITH CHILD...I'm glad IRENE could be the one to share MY big news!!! Yes, yes, years of infertility and praying for another child finally paid off and IRENE felt she should be the one to make the public announcement...did I tell you that in addition to lacking breasts, Irene possesses a "God complex"?? I guess tiny tits and a hairy body give you special priviledges!! And I won't even mention Irene's third nipple...Speaking of Irene's husband, Roberto...yes, he is a saint. I mean who else could put up with that constant high pitched buzzing sound (Irene's voice) spewing forth self righteousness?? I truly feel for Roberto...Irene is a vulture that is slowing sucking the blood/life right out of him. Let's all have a moment of silence for Roberto...

Anyhoo...as MENTIONED, I am with child. I just completed my first trimester and things are looking good. My blog has been lacking (thanks to all of you who so generously AND continually pointed that out!!) due to feeling very under the weather. Hopefully, things will get better...In the near future, I will direct you as to where you can send gifts and money donations. I will also be asking for baby name ideas...HOWEVER, I think we all know the following names WILL NEVER BE CONSIDERED: Harry John, Anthony, and IRENE!

Give It A Rest People!!

2005-09-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many times I have to explain this to some of you, but...I DO HAVE A LIFE AND SOMETIMES OTHER THINGS WILL COME BEFORE THIS BLOG. Geez. Why don't some of you get on Irene...she's the one green with envy over McDonalds' clothing...talk about needing a life!!

Anyhoo...Suburban Warrior had to call Poison Control this morning after a little mishap!! It all started last night as my daughter was up ALL night screaming in pain about her sore throat...which was really annoying. But I do have some maternal instincts, so I threw some Motrin down her throat and invited her into our wedding bed. Well, I think we all know how much sleeping gets done under those conditions...between Elizabeth sleeping on my head, crying in pain, and suffering from "restless legs syndrome" (as well as my hubby's usual nocturnal noises--which is putting it nicely!) I got no sleep!!! Which does NOT make for a happy Warrior. And am I thinking of my daughter's discomfort? NO NO NO!! All I'm thinking is, "damn, she can't possibly go to school tomorrow...there goes my shopping!". Anyway...I'll get to the poisoning part now...Apparently, Elizabeth climbed out of our bed and went and got the thermometer. She returned to our bed with the thermometer sticking out of her mouth (she's such a drama queen!). After a few minutes, she taps me and requests that I read the results. Well, when I take the thermometer out of her mouth I notice the tip that was in her mouth is totally broken...with shards of what was left of the tip shattered and jutting out of the stem. Hmmm...I wonder where the plastic covering went? I wonder where the broken shards went? I WONDER WHERE THE MERCURY WENT?? You guessed it!! Now, I HAD to get up!

Anyhoo...poison control was very helpful and told me not worry that it would all come out in Elizabeth's stool. There's something to look forward to tonight!!

Pope Benedict and ME!!!

2005-08-31T13:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, dreams can be really puzzling...so I invite my readers to feel free to interpret my dream from last night.

In this dream, I was the assistant to Pope Benedict and my job was to follow him around carrying his "shepherd's staff" (no doubt a job I received for living such a moral and unselfish life). Well, at one point, Pope Benedict and I found ourselves driving somewhere with my friend in her car (apparently, Pope Benedict traded in the Popemobile for a 1991 Izuzu Rodeo). While on this car trip, Pope Benedict, my friend and I debated who was a better singer, Bruce Springsteen or Garth Brooks (for the record, Pope Benedict loves Garth...must be his song, "Friends in Low Places"). The next thing I know, we arrive at CVS, where the Pope just wants to pick up some small items...Well, before I know what is happening, a fire breaks out in the CVS and the Pope and I get separated!!! This is NOT good...remember I still have the "shepherd's staff"!! Mayhem is breaking out in the CVS and I can't find the Pope!! I'm frantically running around the CVS, with the "shepherd's staff", screaming "POPE BENEDICT, POPE BENEDICT...WHERE ARE YOU?!?!". I can not describe the feeling of my desperation!

Anyhoo, I woke up sweating like a pig.

What does all that mean??

And I Thought My Maiden Form Undies Were Delightful?!!!

2005-08-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this? I would have had my doubts, except the same exact thing happened to Irene just last week!!

Summer Fun

2005-08-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Please excuse my tardiness in posting this, but I have had multiple computer problems and have been busy on tour, again! I'll share a little of what Suburban Warrior has been up to in the last few weeks...

Poconos: very fun, very hot. Harry John can make fun of me sporting a baseball cap and my hair sticking out, but at least I HAVE HAIR. The only hair of Harry John's sticking out is a massive "tuft" of it out of his shirt collar. That should give you a nice clue as to the condition of his back. My extended family is nothing like the Jacksons...dysfunctional? Maybe...Probably...ok, we are. But like the Jacksons, boy, can we DANCE!! My Aunt Pat could cut a carpet with her sharp one stepping. My nephew can also cut the rug, but that would be with his toenails!!! (Note to Aunt Meggy: cut your kid's talons before someone loses an eye!)

Rehoboth Beach: very fun, VERY LOUD again with the Harry John family. Either I'm going deaf or I'm getting use to their voice levels...they didn't seem to bother me as much this time. We hung out at the pool with the kiddies, went to the amusement rides at Funland (FYI: Funland is so NOT fun with a bunch of kids), and spent some quality time with the parents. Only one sour note. Picture this: HJ, in the pool, floating on his back being held up by roughly 56 "noodles".

A few other comments...This love affair some of you are having with the so-called "Irene"? Be very, very careful....she is a manipulative little whore. She will charm you and then slash your throat. I know. I've seen it many times over, my innocent little friends. Don't let her fool you with her wholesome talk of tomato recipes and athletic ability...she is devil in spandex, I tell you!!!

Pretty in the Poconos

2005-08-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting in a long time. Suburban Warrior has been spreading her sunshine on the east coast. Besides, Irene and friends have been keeping this blog busy with their comments...it seems, just like college, people really enjoy discussing Irene's breasts!! On another Irene note, everyone should wish her well as she competes in her second triathalon this weekend!! Irene, are you going lesbo on us???

Anyhoo...presently, I am in the Poconos with Aunt Meggy and THE LOUD FAMILY!!! (And yes, that means, Harry John as well. Have you seen the movie "Deliverance"?? I am living it with Harry John.) One of the LOUD CHILDREN has a fever, is bright red and lethargic...so at least that cuts down on the noise level a bit. Hopefully, it will spread to the remaining two LOUD CHILDREN. That reminds me of something one of my friends, let's call her "Sue", once said...she said she actually preferred her children sick as they were easier to take when they were under the weather..."I love it when they just slip in and out of consciousness". Hmm...that doesn't sound right, does it??

Oh, did I mention the house here is not air conditioned? And the weathermen are predicting this as the hottest weekend of the year on the east coast?? Harry John is not pretty under those conditions!! Think wet bear...

TV at 4:30 AM

2005-08-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep. You keep looking at the clock, watching it tick away and thinking, "Great, I'm gonna be such a bitch tomorrow...". I always think of the advice some people give..."if you can't sleep, you might as well get up and do something productive, like cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry". As if.

Anyhoo, I found myself in that predicament last night/this morning. I eventually got up and went downstairs to watch TV. I came across the show "My So-Called Life" with Claire Danes and Jared Leto. I remember watching this show a few years back and thinking it was depressing and comparable to a teen "Thirty-Something" (another show I found depressing). In this episode Claire's character, Angela, was trying to decide if she should lose her virginity to Jared's character, Jordon. Jordon let Angela drive his beloved car (which was against the law, as Angela is only 15!), so he thought it only fair she give it up...sounds like a fair deal to me!! Poor Angela didn't know what to do!!! She loved driving that car and Jordon DID have really nice eyes, but....something was holding her back! Angela really needed to talk to someone for advice!! But her parents were too busy, all her doctor said was to use a sponge, and her slutty best friend was...well...a slut. Oh, if only I could jump into Angela's so-called life and direct her...What would Angela do??? It's now 5:00 AM. I really should turn this program off...but...

Well, of course, Angela finally saw the light and gave Jordon a firm "NO", whereby Jordon promptly dumped Angela. Which really worked out for everyone, I think, because, physically, Jordon was in a whole different league than Angela!! Although, now Angela is back to riding her bike to school...but with her virginity intact.

The moral of the story is: take a Tylenol PM and avoid all this. I gotta go take a nap!

Rehoboth Beach

2005-07-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Enough about Irene and her poor pathetic dots...she is what she is. Adieu...

Anyhoo...I'm at the beach in Delaware with my lovely daughter and the parental units. As usual, when I'm at the beach, it's raining YET AGAIN!!! Are the rain gods trying to tell me something?? Maybe along the lines of "Cover your fat self as you have no business being in a bathing suit".

Being at the beach in bad weather is not fun, especially with a six year old and two senior citizens (although these two age groups are
suprisingly similar! I am catching up on my sleep, as all of them are under their covers by 8:30 every night). My parents want to be involved with my daughter in activities, but they don't seem to grasp the idea that going to the "Club" for drinks is not Elizabeth's idea of fun. However, you've never laughed until you've seen my daughter and mother, after two strong gin and tonics, play Chutes and Ladders. I don't know how many times Elizabeth has to explain to my mother you GO UP THE LADDERS and DOWN THE SLIDES!! Not to mention, for some odd reason, my mother always insists on being the African American girl with dreadlocks...

We head home tomorrow...where I'm sure the sun will be shining!

Irene's Big Decision, Continued...

2005-07-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

I forgot the creepiest part of Irene's dilemma...guess who has offered to fund the majority of the money for her breast enhancement surgery??? HER BROTHER!!!! Can you say Flowers in the Attic?!!!!!

Irene's Big Decision

2005-07-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, but my computer crashed right after I posted that picture of Anthony. Coincidence?? I think not.

Anyhoo...here's something to think about. I have this friend. Let's call her "Irene". Well, Irene has been contemplating getting breast enhancement surgery for the last few months. Over our last few phone conversations, Irene and I have debated the pros and cons of such surgery (with me usually supplying all the CONS to this procedure, whereby irritating the hell out of Irene's significant other). Now, let's get specific...does Irene truly need boobie help? To be honest, there is no fear of Irene ever getting a job at Hooters, HOWEVER, I have seen worse cases...and when Irene is sporting her Wonder Bra she looks downright...female. But I think I am losing my argument... Irene informed me that she is heading to California in the fall and may go under the knife while she is out west. Hmmm...."California?", I asked, "why are you going to California?". AND THIS WAS HER ANSWER: "Oh, I'm going to walk the 3 day Breast Cancer Walk with my sister-in-law. Oh, yeah, you'll be getting a fundraising letter asking for a donation shortly". I don't believe Irene has ever heard the term "conflict of interests"...

Now...where do YOU think my money is really going???

Anthony!

2005-07-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

Readers of Suburban Warrior have been requesting pictures of Harry John for sometime now. To protect my sister (not to mention YOUR corneas), I have refrained from doing so.

HOWEVER, I have no inclination to do the same for Harry John's sidekick and perpetual thorn in my side, Anthony. Ladies eat your hearts out...

Who says sailing isn't hard work??

My "DOGS" Are Barkin!!!

2005-07-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

We've returned from the beach! So why do I feel like I need some Rest and Relaxation? I'll tell you why...

We came back a day early to attend my friend's wedding. Big party, crazy dancing, gin and tonics, and the return of THE WEDGE SHOE!! Yes, the wedge shoe is back in fashion and being ever fashion conscious, NOT, Suburban Warrior donned a pair for the wedding. When I put them on, my husband looked at my feet, gazed into my eyes and said, "That's a disaster waiting to happen". Whatever. With my wedgies in place, my hair done, my makeup applied, I slipped my tan body into my fuchsia dress. In the words of my hero, Paris Hilton, "I looked hot". But then, I thought..."I AM hot".

Anyhoo, off to the church we went. Right off, I knew there was going to be a problem with these shoes. The temperature was an easy 99 degrees. As feminine as I am, sometimes I do perspire, not sweat (this opposed to my friend, "Jane", who informed us halfway through the service that she had forgotten to put deodorant on and would we mind sticking our noses into her pits to see if we could smell anything unbecoming). Well, my feet were as wet as they are when I exit the pool...so I was slippin and sliddin all over the damn place...and that was before the drinking and the dancing (I thought about putting some Kotex Light Days in my wedgies to absorb some of the wetness, but being open-toed shoes that might be a tad tacky). But I kept my composure and made it through the service without falling. Off to the reception...

Well, a few gin and tonics later I was much cooler...at least I felt much cooler. And my feet? "Oh, do I have feet?"...I was gliding across the dance floor as the DJ played my favorite Bee Gees tunes...like a swan on a peaceful lake... in my own mind...but then...CRASH!!!! Screams of "LOOKOUT!...DUCK!!!!" And then whispers of "are you okay???...Oops, who put that silly piece of furniture there?? I've been in this house millions of times and I have NEVER seen that thing there...in my wedgies I seemed to misstep and knocked into one of those column/pedestal type things...unfortunately it had a rather large flower arrangement on top of it. My husband shook his head back and forth, in defeat, and quietly slipped back to the bar...my sorority sisters tried their best to reposition the five foot column as the bride's aunt picked up the shredded pedals on the floor. Well, NOW it's a PAR-TAY!!! Yeah, not so much...I scurried over to the farthest corner I could find and removed my beloved wedgies..."Damn you", I said..."DAMN YOU to HELL!!!...I owned this night until YOU ruined it!!". My wedgies and I remained in the corner, eating the wedding cake, until it was time to leave.

The next morning I woke up with pains shooting down my calves...more leftover fun from the wedgies (FYI: stay at home mothers who usually wear flip flops everyday have NO BUSINESS wearing wedge shoes!!). My messed up calves go nicely with the bottoms of my feet which are covered in blisters...leftovers from hot sand in Emerald Isle...

My new wheelchair should be arriving sometime this week. I'll just rest my feet until then...

Dennis the Menace!

2005-07-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

I always hated the name "Dennis".

When I was a kid, I did not enjoy the TV program "Dennis the Menace" like the other children. Even though Dennis supposedly represented my peer group and I was to feel some type of kinship with him, I wanted to slap him silly. Granted, Dennis was physically attractive, but the minute he opened his mouth and his high pitched voice screeched his signature "Heeeeyy Mr. Wilson..." he lost me. I much preferred the grumpy Mr. Wilson to faggy Dennis (come to think of it, as I get older, I find this Mr. Wilson , NOT this Mr. Wilson, somewhat attractive...you know...in a "come hither and let me spank you" kind of way...). If that kid was my neighbor...oye!!

Anyhoo, thirty years later, another Dennis is annoying me. We are on our third day of rain in North Carolina, thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Dennis. Not fun when you are vacationing with fifteen, yes, let me repeat that...FIFTEEN children!! All under the age of ten! (Here's a mathmatical equation for you: vacation + children=oxymoron) Where did we put the vodka?? Oh yeah, down our throats.

We leave tomorrow...paler than when we arrived (yes, I shaved my big toes for nothing!). The forecast calls for Dennis to continue to swirl around Emerald Isle for the next few days...then the arrival of Hurricane Emily!

I can only hope one of these powerful storms scoops up Jay North in it's path of destruction.

Bon Voyage!!

2005-07-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we head into the path of Hurricane Dennis!! Can't wait!

Car is gassed, bags are packed, body is hairless, fifty tons of snacks are bagged, DVD player is charged...WE ARE READY!!! Super!

Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...

Oh yeah...I forgot to drop that twenty pounds of fat on my backside...Damn it!!!

Beach Preparation

2005-07-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

We're gearing up for our annual beach trip to Emerald Isle, NC!!

Do you ever notice how much preparation goes into getting ready for a beach trip? And I'm not talking about organizing your children's crap or the laundry or hunting for your husband's bathing suit...I'm referring to all the little shit pertaining to MY body alone. As far as I'm concerned, everyone else can fend for themselves. Preparing myself for the beach becomes my full time job the week prior to our departure.

Things you may let slide at home suddenly become very important leading up to a beach vacation. For instance, the hair growing on your big toe. That needs to go. The big callous on your heel...lop it off before you hit the sand. Overall body hair removal is another essential! One should not be mistaken for Big Foot on the beach. Timing/time management is necessary if this is to be done correctly. For the longest lasting effects of the razor, one must wait until right before one gets in the car to leave for the beach to shave ALL hair from the body. If not, you will spend a significant amount of time in the car, in the sunlight, complaining to your husband about how hairy your legs are. And you know what? He won't care. Exfoliate? I know women should exfoliate on a regular basis for healthy looking skin, but to be honest, the only time I exfoliate is right before I slather on some type of fake tan cream (which always turns into a complete disaster anyway). And don't forget the obvious...pedicure, manicure, bikini, eyebrow and lip wax!!

So, tonight you can find me, locked in the bathroom, with Nair on my upper lip, between my legs, on my legs, on my toes...basically everywhere but my eyes...

Captain Harry John

2005-07-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

My sister, Aunt Meggy, almost became a widow over the holiday weekend.

Harry John and some of his NJ butt head friends came up with yet another brilliant scheme for fun. It seems some random man wanted to get an old sailboat off his property and offered it to Harry John for free if Harry John would simply lug it away. (Yes, I know...to a normal functioning individual, RED FLAG! RED FLAG!! But these are NJ people and specifically, Harry John and cohorts...). So, Harry John spends $600 to purchase a new boat trailer to haul off his new yacht, "Wind Song". Who knows if Harry John can even swim...I mean, I know he doesn't bathe...

Anyhoo, the boat is transported to a marina...yeah, in your dreams!! No, "Wind Song" is parked in Aunt Meggy's driveway! (I can't help but think of their neighbors. In addition to living next to the LOUD FAMILY, the neighbors now have to look at this eyesore) I asked my sister how pathetic the boat really is and her response was, "well, I think it's cute how Harry refers to it as a boat". 'Nuff said. Harry John patches, paints, and basically screws around on "Wind Song" all week with his friend, Anthony (who, by the way, is a blog/blob in himself). They even painted racing stripes on this boat...I think they're under the impression they own a cigarette boat, not a piece of crappola. They debate all week over what they're going to rename the boat. I'm not going to get into some of the mentioned names, as this is a wholesome site, but let's just say Harry John's wife's privates are not very well respected by him.

So, this past weekend the "Yacht-Z" was ready to sail. Both Harry John and Anthony donned their new Sperry Topsider shoes (I'm not kidding) and headed to the boat launch. Anthony's father joined them along with Harry John's brother (they were obviously lacking in anything better to do with their time). The fools shove off, waving to all on shore.

Ten minutes into it's maiden voyage the "Yacht-Z" begins to take on water. The idiotic crew can't jump in the water because they are surrounded by jellyfish. We know this because they are screaming "JELLY FISH!! JELLY FISH!!!" like little girls from the "Yacht-Z" (Plus, they don't want to get their new Topsider shoes wet ...they had yet to waterproof them!). Mayday Mayday!!!!...Another vessel comes to the aid of the quickly sinking "Yacht-Z" and pulls her back to shore. The men are safe, but the "Yacht-Z" has issues.

What happened to cause this near disaster on the high seas? Well...apparently, Harry John (and we all just knew it had to be caused by his lack of brainpower) FORGOT TO PUT THE PLUGS BACK IN THE BOAT after he had finished painting the boat!!!!!

Gilligan's got nothin on my Harry John!!

My Husband, One Funny Lil Man

2005-06-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

My husband usually calls me a few times during the day to check in on "his girls". Inevitably, he asks the dreaded question, "So, what's for dinner?". C'mon!!!! Give it a rest already!! Do I not recommend he eat a VERY big lunch for a reason?!?

Anyhoo, yesterday he calls me in the early afternoon. We exchange pleasantries. I inform him of Elizabeth's recent stunts and...then...there it is..."What's for dinner?". I respond, "What do you think I'm running, a restaurant?". Silence...Then a mumbled response that sounded very much like "No, more like a shelter/soup kitchen"...

Men.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2005-06-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Showing proper respect to others, especially adults, was a big theme in both my husband's family and my own growing up...So, naturally we wanted to instill that quality in our daughter.

Well, apparently Elizabeth has combined our parental expectations/influence with some Disney movies with regards to showing proper respect. For the last few days, whenever I ask Elizabeth to do something she curtsies and says, "yes, your majesty". Now, that's all well and good in the privacy of our own home, but it's a tad overdone when we are in public.

ME: "Elizabeth put the milk in the grocery cart".

E: (curtsy)"Yes, your majesty".

or

ME: "Elizabeth, do you need help with your goggles?"

E: "Yes, your majesty". (curtsy)

or

ME: "Elizabeth, GET DOWN FROM SITTING ON THOSE MONKEY BARS!!!"

E: (climbs down from monkey bars and curtsies) "Yes, your majesty".

We've created a monster.

Ouch, That HURT!!

2005-06-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Belated Father's Day to all fathers!!

I WAS having an enjoyable Father's Day UNTIL church. Yes, church. I usually feel good about myself after Mass, but not this time...Mass was almost finished and Elizabeth was getting antsy. Disciplining one's child in church is tricky business, especially if you're Catholic. We must be stern and instill the utmost reverence in our children during church, but at the same time restrain ourselves from wanting to beat the hell out of the little monsters in the House of God ( I don't know about your kids, but Elizabeth knows she has much more control of me in a quiet, religious setting). It seems a good Catholic mother should be in total control of her brood, all the while keeping her Catholic composure. Hmmm, I have ONE child and this is a challenge for me.

Anyhoo, there we were in church and Elizabeth was beginning to toy with me. First, she stuck her wet finger in my ear, then she announced LOUDLY that she had a wedgie, then she stopped communicating in a whisper and began to talk in a normal tone. I attempted to discipline her with my "mother glare" and my "you just wait until we get in the car and there are no Christian witnesses" look, but she couldn't have cared less. Well, she left me no choice...so I leaned in close, gritted my teeth and said, "If you don't stop this behavior we are NOT, I repeat, NOT letting you dance today" (FYI: no, Elizabeth didn't have a recital or anything like that, she just REALLY enjoys to dance around the house). Well, that did it!! Elizabeth stared at me, then glared, then grabbed her pad and pencil and began to write furiously. Oh, boy...Once again, I fear for my safety and those around us. Elizabeth angrily squints at me and shoves the paper in my hand. I look down at the words my own daughter wrote, by herself, on the paper. Apparently, my daughter plays dirty. I am stunned, hurt...and realize I need to go on a diet...

"Mom is 39"

Words sting.

It's My Blog!

2005-06-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, some of you don't get this blogging thing...

With regards to me referring to Wacko Jacko as a guilty FREAK...

THIS BLOG IS NOT A COURT OF LAW!!. It is a COURT OF PUBLIC OPINION, with my opinion being the most important (ask my husband!). I'm no Greta "rearrange my face so my own mother could never recognize me" Van Sustern but...I am a student of law and I realize the prosecution had questionable witnesses and presented a weak case and therefore probably failed to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. But you know what?? I don't give a shit. I am so sick of Jacko and his antics...I just want him to go away. Send him to Iraq, or Pluto, or Vegas...but just put him somewhere where I don't have to ever see his FREAKY face again!!

And he can take LaToya with him.

Wacko Jacko Walks

2005-06-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

First O.J. now this...

I'm stunned. I simply can't believe that freak is free and is on his way back to Neverland Ranch. I'm sure he's celebrating with Tito and Jermaine by throwing back some Diet Cokes spiked with wine. Some of Jacko's good friends will stop by...Macaulay, Webster, Elizabeth Taylor, Pee Wee, Boy George...the "regular" gang! Jacko's dad will show up and beat the crap out of him for getting himself into this predicament, yet AGAIN!! Crazy kid! After cocktail time and a free-for-all water balloon fight, they'll all retire to his secret bedroom for Sesame Street.

After all, nothing is more special than sharing your bed.

FREAK!

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

2005-06-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Well, their movie is finally in the theaters today.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. What can I say? I would love to have her body and his...well, I'll take anything of his. However, I do believe Ms. Jolie is one freaky cookie. I don't get her...with her blood vials, makeout sessions with her brother, tattoos, multiple sex partners, etc. Hmmm, I guess she left those character traits off her adoption request forms...Speaking of that, what's with her kid, Maddox?? A mohawk on a child? Also, does that kid have legs? In every frickin picture of him in the tabloids Angelina is holding/carrying him!!! Isn't he like 5 years old now?? Lazy ass celebrity kid.

Brad...Brad...Yeah, he's fairly yummy and I did stay up later than usual to watch him with Diane Sawyer on Primetime Live the other night. B O R I N G!!! I want to refrain from commenting on Jesus, oops I mean Brad, walking among the children of Africa because this is not a political blog. I did learn some things by watching the show, but it would have been more interesting if Brad had taken off his clothes while interacting with the poor (or at least his shirt! Truthfully, I hear it is HOT in Africa). Brad succeeded in making me feel like crappola for actually having a roof over my head while these poor children in Africa had nothing (Brad must have forgotten that he recently simply "handed over" the keys to his $20 million mansion to sweet Jenny Aniston so they could all quickly "get on with their lives"). As Brad was explaining how far my $1 could go in purchasing milk/food for these children in Africa, I kept thinking about how many huts, cows, and hospitals could be built with his $20 million!!

So, it looks like Brad wants to follow in Angelina's footsteps and become a UN Goodwill Ambassador...that's nice. I am so glad the world has people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt to take the place of Mother Theresa.

Family

2005-06-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

So readers don't get left with the impression that I have problems with my mentioned in-laws...go back and read the comment from Thomas Jefferson in the comment section after my "27 Comments" post. All kidding aside, that quote represents my true feelings for my family, especially my in-laws!! Yes, I know what my brothers-in-law are thinking...in the words of Michael Jackson, "Tito, get me a tissue".

Unfortunately, it seems, the feeling is not mutual with regards to me...and from my OWN DAUGHTER!! The other day Elizabeth started begging me for candy before dinner. I said "no". She then began badgering me with "why, but why not? how come? when then? please?" and on and on it went. I looked at her and said, "do not ask me one more time for candy, I said no. If you ask me one more time you will have a time out". She glared at me and I could see the wheels in her head spinning to come up with her next move...she must have the last word, so I knew something was coming...and then these words...

"YOU ARE A...A....A STEPMOTHER!!!"

Well, at least she didn't call me a motherf%*#@&!!! The funniest part was the look on Elizabeth's face after she said it--pure horror! I do believe she thought she had uttered some devil/Satan speak.

Anyhoo, I think we can safely say Elizabeth needs to cut back on Cinderella and Cinderella II.

27 Comments!!

2005-06-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Don't be too impressed with the 27 comments from my last post.

I married into a large "ready to pounce at any moment" family. And as you can see, they did indeed pounce in my comment section. As you can read, some of them are the very definition of angry, white men. I also found it interesting that one of them likes to pose as a woman, Martha Burke...apparently one of them has more "issues" than I originally thought! On a side note, I would like to thank all those who supported Suburban Warrior with their kind words of support.

I must admit my last post was very poorly planned. You see, I forgot that I had to see Booby and Jamie that VERY night at a family party for my mother-in-law's birthday. But then I thought, "they don't scare me". So, I went and had a fab evening (FYI: has anyone tried the mangotini?? My sisters-in-law recommend!). The sad thing is I realize I will never change Booby and Jamie, as they are who they are. But sometimes who they are is downright frightening. For instance, the last vision I had as I exited the restaurant was of one of them pointing a camera down their pants...(and I won't even mention the food fight during dinner).

Jamie and Bobby...the brothers I never had...

Brothers-In-Law!

2005-06-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Harry John is not alone on my asinine brother-in-law list. Hardly.

I don't really like to use people's real names, but in this case...well...let's just call them Bobby and Jamie. Now, Bobby and Jamie are tough guys (or like to think so). They hunt, "play" paintball, fish, belong to the NRA, and always, ALWAYS vote Republican. They listen to Rush Limbaugh, Gordon Liddy and read the very unbiased Drudge Report. Yes, I know, they are pathetic (The funny thing is they have lovely wives. Like my husband, they married up).

Anyhoo, these two clowns are relentless in harassing me for my political views. Everytime I turn around, one of these two has planted a pro-Bush or NRA sticker on my car. Very annoying...and illegal I might add. Like so many Republican presidents, they simply take the law into their own hands! But you know, I'm in this marriage for the long haul, so I have come to accept this brother-in-law cross...and all the ugly baggage that comes with it. And no, I have never reciprocated their vandalism with any "Hillary 2008", ACLU or NARAL stickers, but then again, I'm just on another level altogether. This anger/tough guy approach to my political beliefs is puzzling...where does it come from?? Like Harry John, Jamie and Bobby are a tad vertically challenged, so maybe it's that "little man syndrome" thing working??? Whatever it is, they do keep me on my toes...and I do LOVE them bunches and bunches and BUNCHES!!

One can only pray...

Camping with Irene

2005-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been gone, but I'm just now getting movement back in my body after "roughing it" in Irene's backyard.
Obviously, Irene and I made peace. I still think she has numerous old lady qualities and is stuck in a time warp, but whatever...that's what makes the world go round...plus, she promised she would teach me how to play bridge next week.

So, off we went to pitch our tent in Irene's backyard (and FYI: it was not a Red Tent). I knew when we arrived we were in over our heads. Irene, her husband, and her three boys are right out of the REI catalog. Their tent was bigger than a small house and could house approximately twenty-four campers. I saw that their tent was filled with their hearty, warm Eddie Bauer sleeping bags. In the meantime, Paul was busy dragging our collection of old blankets and pillows out of our car (only the best in camping gear for us!). Then Paul attempted to assemble our tiny, little, Kmart special tent...good God, what a scene that was! After watching him struggle with poles, snaps, hooks, etc., I told him Irene and I would finish the job. Which we did...expertly, I must admit...Now that the campsite was officially set up, it was time to relax. The kids ran about laughing...barefoot...enjoying nature...in the fresh, crisp, summer air...And the adults...well, we went inside to sit in chairs and drink wine. I was very responsible and refrained from drinking, as I knew someone had to keep their wits about them if we were to survive the night and it's elements outside...plus I have a peanut bladder and didn't want to keep getting up to urinate.

Anyhoo, after a delicious dinner and roasting marshmallows, it was time to retire to our tents...But first I had to convince Elizabeth that she REALLY needed to wear sweatpants to bed and NOT her Hello Kitty summer nightgown. Then, we had to have a twenty minute discussion deciding who was sleeping in what tent...With that solved, we were ready to hunker down for the night. The dads graciously said they would sleep with three children in the humongo tent and Irene and I would take one child with us in the pathetic tent (by the way, Irene wasn't so tough, as she snuck a lawn chair cushion under her sleeping bag). Surprisingly enough, the kids did well and went to sleep after twenty minutes or so...

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I think hypothermia set in about 2:30 am, which will undoubtedly happen when one is only covered by an afghan blanket. After one of the longest nights of my life (after childbirth), I finally decided to get up at 5:30 am. I exited my tent and went to peek in the other tent...there slept my very masculine husband, wrapped up in a lovely, floral Laura Ashley comforter (who needs Coleman when you can look "pretty" when camping??). I later learned Paul, too, was suffering from hypothermia.

Anyhoo, we survived to blog about it...and when you've survived a true challenge like we all did, you come out stronger and more confident. And I am very confident I will NOT be doing that again anytime soon...

Irene

2005-05-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

Let me just say this with regards to the comment section...some of you need not be so critical. I often sense tension between my readers and Suburban Warrior does not want that. Are you fighting for my attention? Or are you just angry people in general? Please refrain from using my blog to work out your own internal conflicts/demons...

Now, I really don't like to single people out, but I must...IRENE. Irene seems to have a running dialog with herself in my comment section. Um, Irene you need put down your dictionary and get a life. And for those of you who don't know what a geriatric personality Irene possesses, let me share this ditty. Irene called me from the Arts and Crafts store the other day to see if I had any recommendations for a gift for Elizabeth's upcoming birthday (FYI: arts and crafts gifts are a nightmare for most mothers). Irene explained that she was at the Arts and Crafts store because she had recently finished a challenging jigsaw puzzle and wanted TO PRESERVE IT!!! She was on the hunt for a special type of glue that would hold the puzzle together for her so she could FRAME IT AND HANG IT IN HER FAMILY ROOM. "You're kidding me, right?" I said. She dorkily replied, "No, I heard about puzzle preservation glue on the American Jigsaw Puzzle Society webpage". Ok, just going to that webpage is actually worse than trying to preserve a damn puzzle.

I don't think I can be friends with Irene anymore...

Look Out Star Search!!

2005-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth's preschool class, The Mighty Bees, are having their annual Talent Show today. Unfortunately, they don't allow the parents to attend the show, as it causes stage fright for the children. Psshaw...Elizabeth could be the opening act for the Stones and not break a sweat...

So, Elizabeth had to decide what her "talent" was going to be. This was going to be difficult, as according to Lil Miss Egomaniac, she is very talented. She actually wanted to ride a unicycle. I don't think Elizabeth has ever even SEEN a unicycle (I think her father has been talkin trash again!). "What about juggling?", she asked. Yeah, ok..."Honey, I think you have to master catching ONE BALL before you move on to juggling", I explained. Sword swallowing? Nah. Riding a bear? No, that won't work, we don't own a bear...What then?

Well, after exhausting many of her so-called "talents", we decided Elizabeth could take her microphone to school and grace the others with her vocal chords. This was ok, except for the fact that my daughter does not have the average five year old's taste in music. While most girls her age enjoy a good Disney hit, Raffi, etc., Elizabeth rocks out to the soundtracks from The Phantom of the Opera, Saturday Night Fever and, get this, the TV theme songs from the 50's and 60's most popular sitcoms (I bet none of your children do a dance and pretend to fall over an ottoman while playing the theme from the Dick Van Dyke show!!).

Anyhoo...off my lil star went to school...carrying her microphone and Moulin Rouge soundtrack, ready to belt out "Lady Marmalade" for all her classmates.

I hope she has a friend after today's performance...

Guest Poster

2005-05-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

So...I've been hurtin for some material for my blog...and along comes this email...I'll share it with you. Please keep in mind Suburban Warrior does not necessarily endorse posts by guest bloggers.

"What's up with hte warrior? You are letting me down. I need my nighly laugh. Are you hurtin' for subject matter? IF so, I htought of you on MOnday...why not write about these women in the gym locker rooms who like have a conversation with their titties hanging out? How am I supposed to carry on a conversation with someone who just got out of hte shower and instead of wrapping hte towel around them after they dry off, they throw it over their arm and then come talk to me. The whole time I am wondering if they EVER considered A) breast implants or at the very least a LIFT, or B) getting at that bush with a razor and a sharp pair of scissors and downsizing a little bit. I find myself intently staring them in the eyes without blinking for fear they may think I am trying to cop a quick peek. OR is that what they want in the first place since htey are prancing around n the buff.
Once i even saw a lady put on her SHOES AND SOCKS before ever putting on her bra. Where's the sense in THAT? Gosh forbid someone see her TOES!"

Thanks SHW!!!

With a Face Like That...

2005-05-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh...

From my good friends at the Onion...Does looking at Gene Shalit on TV remind you it's time for a bikini wax???

They're BAAAAACK!!!

2005-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the circus has come to town...

That's right, step right up...and see the craziness of Harry John's family!!! The lot of them barrelled down Interstate 95 yesterday from Jersey and arrived safely in their sleek Ford Windstar (I want everyone to know my sister drives a Windstar because she hates minivans and can't believe she drives one...she's too cool. And a Windstar?? That's the trailer trash of minivans. Well, at least it's not a Kia. At least I drive a Grand Caravan. Plus, I'm really pretty so it doesn't really matter what I drive, I still get lots of stares).

Now, let me explain something about Harry John and his family. They are from Jersey...and like a lot of people I know from Jersey...they are LOUD LOUD LOUD!!! I think the kids are secretly wearing mini-amplifiers in their shirts...they simply do not possess the average conversational voice range...everything is stated in a VERY, VERY LOUD WAY!!! I can not emphasize this enough. Now, my daughter is no shrinking violet in the speech category, but this is something entirely out of her league. And the funniest part of these Jersey kids is they begin every sentence with, "hey, guess what?...".

Jersey kid #1: "Hey, Aunt Kelli, guess what?"

ME: "What?"

Jersey kid #1: "Umm, ummm, you know what?"

ME: "No, what?"

Jersey kid #1: "Guess what I want for breakfast?"

ME: "Pancakes?"

Jersey kid #2: "No, I don't want pancakes!!! Guess what I want? Guess..., guess what cereal we eat in New Jersey?"

ME: "Um, Kashi maybe...?"

Jersey kid #1: "Aunt Kelli, guess what? I don't know what Kashi is...Guess what Aunt Kelli?"

And round and round we go!!

Oh, and on top of all THIS noise, we are in the process of having a screen porch added to our house. So, each "Aunt Kelli, guess what?" is followed by a loud round of nail gun fire...

Guess what? I'm going insane.

Choosing Your Words Carefully

2005-05-11T13:58:00.000-07:00

First things first, I don't have the energy to comment on Michael Jackson today, but I will...I promise.

Well, it's begun. Elizabeth has commenced asking the tricky questions. Not about sex, yet, but we're heading down that road, sort of...

Today, we were shopping and I quickly threw a box of tampons in the cart. Usually, Elizabeth pays no attention to items not covered in frosting, sugar or chocolate. But today, ole Eagle Eyes spotted those tampons and asked, "what do those taste like?". Oh boy...how do I get out of this? I acted like something delectable caught my eye on the shelf and simply muttered, "it's not food, honey". Do you think she was going to let it go at that? Not a chance. "Well, then what's it for?", she continued. Think, Kelli, think! "It's stuff for Mommy", I replied. "What kind of stuff?", she persevered. Damn it. Do I just put it out there and say, "well, honey, you insert it in your vagina to stop your menstrual flow" and let her mull that over???? I would love to see how Elizabeth would respond to that...but no...I think not...I better wait until at least her sixth birthday...As with most things with Elizabeth, if you're quiet long enough, Elizabeth will answer her own questions...and thankfully, she didn't fail me now!!! Elizabeth answered her own tampon question with the following, "Oh, I know what those are...those are those straws you keep in your bathroom cabinet".

Exactly.

King of Pop

2005-05-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

Speaking of celebrities...

I have been trying my hardest not to write a post about this, but we all know it is the "elephant in the room"... Michael Jackson.
Discuss...

Now That's Irritating

2005-05-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Some celebrities really get on my nerves with their so-called "advice".

I'm in line at my local grocery store and I start to browse the tabloids, magazines, etc. On the front of one magazine is a picture of Mischa Barton (the annoying skeleton from the tv show "The OC"). The headline under Miss Barton reads something along the lines of "How I Have a Flat Stomach". I'll tell you how...YOU'RE ONLY 18 YEARS OLD!!! Getting out of bed in the morning is all the stomach crunch you need to keep your abs in tip top shape. Can you believe the nerve of this girl/woman thinking she's got the "secret" to keeping your abdomen flat?? When you're almost 40 and you've pushed out some kids, then you can brag about your physique, MISCHA. PS. Mischa...I hate your name.

Al Roker is another one that gets in my craw. He was on the front of some Health magazine holding up a plate of fruits and vegetables with the headline blaring "Al Roker's Plan to a Healthier You". Uh, hello Al...YOU HAD ALL THE FAT SUCKED OUT OF YOU AND THEN HAD YOUR FRICKIN STOMACH STAPLED SHUT!!! Because of Al's gastric bypass surgery his stomach is now the size of a nickel, but yet he is qualified to teach ME discipline with regards to eating and how to lose weight??

Ok, one last one...Christie Brinkley!!! She is one who loves to promote her idea of the perfect family. I have seen her in numerous magazines with her beautiful family and her "advice" for maintaining the perfect household. Hmmm...what the articles fail to mention is that her children are sired from three different men!! Miss Wholesome America has been married 4 times!!! But yet she feels she can teach me a thing or two about marriage and family...

Anyhoo...that's irritating.

Dating "Jane" Correction

2005-05-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

I need to make a correction with regards to my post about my friend, "Jane", and her dating story.

I had erroneously reported that "Jane" had recently gone on her first date since her marriage broke up and how the date was a nightmare...Well, as "Jane" reminded me, I was mistaken...it was her second date. Aaah, yes, now I remember her first suitor...

In the words of "Jane"..."I knew he was a no-go when he pulled up in his Mini-Cooper, with a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back, to take me to a friend's wedding!! It got worse...during the reception, Mini-Cooper man jumped for joy and raced onto the dance floor when the band broke into 'Its Raining Men'".

"Jane" is presently working on the second edition of "He's Really Not That into You".

Talking/Spelling Radar Detector

2005-05-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth has cut back on her spelling requests in the car, but now she's on to something more annoying.

Apparently, some fool explained the concept of the speedometer to her...and now Elizabeth has deputized herself to keep the roads safer. She's constantly twisting and straining in her car seat so she can peer over my shoulder and keep tabs on how fast I'm driving.

E: "Mom, I can't see the speedy thing"

M: "Sit back Elizabeth, you don't need to concern yourself with the speedy thing"

E: "Well, the sign says 35 and you're on the number 50"

Oops, I slow down...

M: "You can go a little faster than the number says on the sign, but not too much faster, honey."

E: "hmmm"

E: "MOM, SLOW DOWN!!! YOU'RE ON THE NUMBER 40!!!"

M: "Elizabeth, sit back and stop screaming in my ear! Mommy is following the law."

E: "I don't think so. I am telling Dad."

Oh, I can't wait until she drives with her father.

Dating

2005-05-02T11:29:00.000-07:00

I am so glad I am already married and don't have to do the dating scene. However, if I was still dating, this blog would be much funnier...as I dated some characters (remind me later to tell you about the homosexual cadet from the Naval Academy and the car salesman).

Anyhoo, my good friend (lets call her "Jane") went on her first date since her marriage broke up and she says she has a great story. Basically, the guy was an ass. She promises to send me the details to share with my readers...so hopefully we will be hearing from Jane in the near future. Jane's story got me thinking...(do I sound like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City?). What type of dater would I be now that I am pushing forty years old?? What would I do differently now as opposed to what I did when I was in my twenties, if anything? (Boy, if those guys thought I was a bitch back then...they should see me now! And I don't want any comments from my husband or HARRY JOHN after this post.) After I thought about this scenario for a few minutes, I came to the conclusion that I would probably die alone. Who needs it? Hope I didn't depress Jane...

But wait, then I had a happy thought...I must have done everything right the first time because look what I got...my husband is the best!

You can all go throw up now.

I'm Back

2005-04-29T10:05:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...I've been missing in action for the last few weeks!! Well, my house doesn't clean itself, hot meals don't cook themselves, the grass can't mow itself, Paul can't take care of himself, the frickin computer can't uncrash itself, Elizabeth can't drive herself to swimming and soccer lessons, and God knows no one else will pick up the dog's crap from the backyard! Well, ok, I don't do much of the above either...except for the last two.

Yes, that's right, Haley Dog is back with us and decorating the backyard with a vengeance. I sure hope her owners are enjoying the sun and the fun while I scoop up her fecal matter six times a day. But Haley loves us...why else would she stand at our bedroom door every morning at 6:00 am and whine to be with us? And Elizabeth loves her so much that she has been waking up two hours earlier than usual to be with the damn dog!! (Which reminds me of something Haley's owner complained about when she called me from Florida to check on her beloved Haley...SHE was annoyed because her kids, ON VACATION, were rising earlier than usual to get to their special VACATION cereal, Lucky Charms! Boy, did I feel sorry for HER, ON VACATION, having to deal with that!! Unless her kids ate the cereal and then crapped all over her condo floor, I think I'm putting up with much more!!). Additionally, Elizabeth won't leave Haley alone until...Elizabeth goes into a sneezing/wheezing fit for about an hour from all the dog hair that is now covering her and every piece of furniture within a two mile radius...Please be my witnesses and never let me break this vow: I WILL NEVER EVER LET ELIZABETH GET A DOG.

Anyhoo...as I said in a previous post, some of us are just givers...and as long as my friends are happy ON VACATION, then I am fulfilled as well. I just better get more than a damn tshirt as payment.

Suburban Soccer

2005-04-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

Elizabeth is playing organized soccer for the first time this spring.

Paul and I played almost all sports throughout our childhoods and teens, but soccer was never one that interested either one of us. Too much running...not enough scoring. Well, we're open minded enough to let Elizabeth pick her own activities (unless its chess, bowling or wrestling), so soccer it is.

Problem is Elizabeth is more interested in the social aspect of it. This is the conversation as we pulled up to the field today..."oh, there's Brittany, she's my best friend...oh there's Kara, she's my best friend...oh, hey Jessica...Jessica's my best friend...". (Sheesh, forget about your friends!!! Your only friend on the field is the BALL!) Even when she's in the game, on the field, in the middle of the frickin game, if one of her so called "best friends" kicks the ball, Elizabeth takes the time to jump up and down in place and scream "way to go, Jessica or Brittany or Kara". Elizabeth covers more ground vertically than she does horizontally!! I never thought we'd be the type of parents who yell from the sidelines, but we can't help ourselves...Paul and I holler from the sidelines, "GET BACK IN THE GAME ELIZABETH!!!" I have to keep reminding myself that these kids are only five years old...

Anyhoo...the mighty Cheetahs lost today, but I'm sure they'll come roarin back next week. They better, damn it.

Look Out Picasso!

2005-04-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am actually involved in something domestic this week!!

We have lived in our current home for roughly 4 1/2 years and less than half of the walls have color on them (and those were all painted by the mister). Recently, the mister has been so very busy with his work...so if I want to get rid of our current "asylum" look, I must resort to manual labor myself and do the painting. So, Suburban Warrior is taking the bull by the horns, rolling up her sleeves, putting Elizabeth in front of the TV, and gettin to work!

First off, picking the paint. I can handle that. Well, I thought I could, but I made the fatal mistake of bringing Elizabeth with me...'nuff said...Elizabeth picked out a lovely shade of crocus for her bathroom. However, I have my doubts as to the color we actually took home, as I didn't have the utmost confidence in the paint clerk, Sameed. Sameed didn't seem to understand English very well...when I gave him my little paint sample and requested it in a semigloss, Sameed smiled broadly and said, "basketball". Hmmm...crocus...basketball...its all the same. Sameed looked like a mad scientist as he worked the paint mixer...as he squirted little bits of different colors into my half gallon jug, Sameed truly looked like he was taking his best guess as to what would magically create "crocus". But I know that Big K only hires the best to dispense its Martha Stewart paints...so I'm sure there was a method to Sameed's madness...

Anyhoo...I'm about ready to get started with my prep work (FYI: Paul insists prep work is the most important part of a good paint job!). I wish I could still fit into my 8th grade painter's pants...

This Child Was Speech Delayed?

2005-04-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

In the past, I enjoyed riding in the car with my daughter...until she became a wannabe SPELLER!

This was our conversation to the store this morning:

E: "Mom, how do you spell street?"
M: "S T R E ET"

E: "Mom, how do you spell sidewalk?"
M: "S I D E W A L K"
E: "wait, spell it again..."
M: "S I D E W A L K"

E: "Mom, how do you spell house?"
M: "H O U S E"

M: "Elizabeth, stop looking out the window and listen to the radio".
E: "Mom, how do you spell radio?"
M: "R A D I O"

M: "Let's play the quiet game until we get to the store".

2 minutes later...

E: "Mom, how do you spell store?"
M: "S T O R E

E: "Mom, how do you spell Food Lion?"
M: "F O O D L I O N"

M: "Hey Elizabeth, how bout a gobstopper?"
E: "YEAH!!! Thanks Mom...how do you spell gobstopper?"

God give me strength.

I'm Having a Moment...

2005-04-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

As most mothers do at some point, I'm having one of those moments where I look at my daughter and I am overwhelmed with the whole concept of her being...

Now for some of you who know me, this is VERY out of character for me. And for those who don't personally know me, you can probably tell from my blog that I am not a sunshiney, feel good, glass is half full type of gal (my husband teases that my motto is "we're doomed, we're doomed..." and that I'm worse than Chicken Little). So, we'll just have to see how long this feeling lasts...

Anyhoo...in the last few weeks, I've watched my daughter engage in some new activities...activities that she successfully conquered without a tear being shed (and if you knew my daughter, you would share in my enthusiasm for her success). For example, a few days ago we went to our local Dicks Sporting Goods Store and Elizabeth begged to try the huge rock climbing wall they have (she's been begging since she was two years old). Previously she had never made the height requirement, but this time she just squeaked by...Well, in my usual "we're doomed" head, I was thinking, "this has disaster written all over it". Elizabeth got her gear on, was strapped into her harness and had an audience of customers cheering her on!! Great, more witnesses to the frustration fit that is sure to follow when lil Miss Perfection can't do it. Well, my little monkey maneuvered, took her time and was actually PATIENT in trying to figure out her next move on the wall!! By God, she was growing up!! When my husband would try and give her direction, she would calmly say, "yeah, ok, I know Daaaaddd". And when the time limit was up and she still hadn't reached the top to ring the bell, how did she respond??? Elizabeth simply came down!!! The old Elizabeth might have gone after the clerk and strangled him with the harness. I'm joking, she was never that bad...really...just a tad tempermental...but with a firm voice and a stun gun you could always get her back under control. Elizabeth was disappointed she didn't conquer the wall (she made it more than half way up the wall), but she made us proud not only of her agility, but also her maturity.

I think I'll keep her.

What Do You Do When You Find A "Treasure"?

2005-04-05T18:58:00.000-07:00

I only bring this rather crude question up because I experience the following situation at least 3 times a week.

Let me give you the scenario: I am in a public place when I feel the need to use the facilities (Dames room). Since I have absolutely no sense of direction, I usually have to walk completely AROUND the entire store 2 times before I even locate the bathroom. Once at my destination, I open a stall door...only to find...how can I put this delicately...a big bowl of turd. I quickly move to the next stall and find another toilet someone forgot to flush, then the next stall has a toilet seat with some pee pee remnants...lovely. Well, other women are now entering the bathroom and going through the same drill I just finished...opening stall doors, only to mutter "eww" after finding the turd, unflushed toilet, pee pee seat, etc. These baffled women are beginning to bunch up near the sinks...glancing at each other and silently all wondering "what should we do??". There is only one stall left at the end of the row so I grab it! When I'm finished, I exit my stall and see there is a line 7 women deep waiting for my stall...the first three stalls remain unoccupied...they are taboo.

My question is, why do we women not just enter one of those stalls and FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET?? What are we afraid of? Someone needs to be brave, step forward, enter the stall and flush the damn thing so we can all get on with our lives!

So, the next time you come across a "treasure" in a stall, be the bigger person and step up to the plate and FLUSH...that way I don't have to do the dirty work.

Puss n Boots

2005-04-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

A reader named Antonio inquired about the whereabouts of Puss n Boots and it brought back memories...

One Halloween, when I was in first grade, I was to be in my first Halloween parade at my new school. If you remember, what one chose for his or her Halloween costume said alot about oneself. You could make or break your social status by the costume you wore. Back in the early seventies I don't remember many children sporting store bought costumes...most of the costumes were homemade. This one family, the Linscotts, thrilled the spectators every year with their elaborate homemade costumes...the Linscott children dominated the various grade level awards, which was really annoying because there were about 25 Linscott children (it was a Catholic school). Well, I was determined not to be beaten by a Linscott my first time out!!

As I took my time deciding what to wear, my older sister quickly reported that she was going to be a witch. "You'll never beat the Linscotts with that original idea", I laughed. Oh, but she had something up her sleeve that would make her witch stand out she said!! My sister's bright idea was to smear cold cream all over her face to make her witch look "scarier and more sinister!". How 'bout just weird...

Anyhoo...I guess I took too long deciding what I was going to be because one night at dinner my mother announced she had decided I was to be "Puss n Boots". Who? What? None of my sisters or me had even heard of this puss in boots!?!? But my mother was determined I was to be Puss n Boots, so it was to be. Now it would have been ok if my mother had any skill in the sewing or creativity departments, but she had zilch. Do you know what that woman made me wear to the big Halloween parade??? I swear to God, this is what I wore the night of my humiliation: a plain gymnastics suit, black snow boots, and one of my dad's dress socks stuffed and pinned to my ass! No whiskers, no cat ears, NOTHING!! That would have been "thinking outside of the box" for my mother!! Even at 7 years old, I knew this costume wasn't a good idea...but off I went to dethrone the Linscotts!

Well, of course, I was the talk of my class as we waited in line to parade into the gym with the rest of the school. By that time, my tail had been ripped off me and I felt like a fool, but the show had to go on...I bravely walked into the gym and marched 3 laps around the gym so the judges could get a good look and decide the winners. I frantically searched for the Linscott twins. I spotted them and couldn't believe my eyes. They were wearing gigantic papier-mache'd (show offs!) heads of Bert and Ernie with correlating outfits!! A huge cheer erupted from the crowd as they entered! The rest of us should have just packed it up at that point...but wait!! Maybe my sister in her night cream had a chance...

Think again...I saw my sister being dragged off to the bathroom by her teachers...vomit all down the front of her. She was obviously sick...she was white as a ghost...oh, no...that was her cold cream. I remember thinking, "NOW she looks scary!!"

I have hated Puss n Boots ever since that night.

Get Your Minds Out of the Gutter!!

2005-04-01T14:01:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that some readers did not understand the proper use of the word "puss" in my last post.

Let me clarify. When referring to Aunt Sis' puss, I meant her face (as in "sour puss", or "get that frown off your puss" or "Harry John has the fugliest puss I've ever seen"). This is a wholesome blog (for God's sake, my mother-in-law reads this!). Being a christian woman, I would never use that term in the way that some interpreted my writing...honestly, what's wrong with some of you?? Why in the name of God would I refer to my great aunt's privates? Go directly to your kitchen cabinet, pull out a big frying pan and hit yourself over the head with it.

I have to go watch my "Sex and the City" dvd now...

How Long Has That Been There?

2005-03-30T08:25:00.000-08:00

My mom always warned me that as we age our faces will get hairier and our bodies will dry up.

Well...I'm sitting in my car at a red light, an unusually long red light. Hmmm...how should I spend the time? I can't think of a better way than to flip down the mirror and study myself (FYI: you get the best lighting in your car). After I got over the initial shock of realizing my pores were bigger than those of Edward James Olmos, I saw something that had previously escaped me...a hair was growing directly out of my adam's apple!! A jet black hair at that! What the? How long has that stray hair, no, STRAY ROPE been growing there? How long have I been parading around town with my long friend? Oh, great, in the last week I've been socializing with family members I haven't seen in a year...and none of them said a thing!! Thanks! It's a wonder I didn't strangle myself in my sleep with that thing! I guess its begun...

Speaking of facial hair...doesn't every family have some female hairy faced relative?? I know we did...and her name was Aunt Sis. Poor Aunt Sis...it wasn't just hairy, it was stubble. How does that happen? Aunt Sis' sister, my grandmother, had a face as smooth as a baby's bottom...but not Aunt Sis!! My sisters and I hated to kiss her and, unfortunately, Aunt Sis was a big one for hugs and kisses. As we got older, we secretly referred to her as Uncle Sis. The only thing I can think of is that at some point in her life, Aunt Sis must have taken a razor to her puss...and we all felt that ramifications of that mistake years later.

Now I'm just waiting to dry up...

One More Day

2005-03-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

Greetings again...from the Belly of the Beast (Harry John's house)!!

My family leaves NJ tomorrow morning, FIRST THING!! This has been the longest 5 days of my life. The children have fought nonstop...which leads me to eat nonstop...

They do things differently for Easter up here in Jersey. On the night before Easter, the kids hide carrots and during the night the Easter bunny comes and leaves presents in the place of the carrots. Huh? The candy is not enough?? So, basically, the kids are complete monsters all week and then they get rewarded with presents? Aunt Meggy and HJ are nicer parents then we are...they did their "Bunny shopping" at Toys R Us and I raced out and did mine at Dollar Tree. The difference in loot was apparent to both Elizabeth and her cousins. I have no doubt this obvious discrimination by the Easter Bunny will send Elizabeth to therapy in her teen years.

I have to keep this short as I'm still in the enemy's home, but I'll be home tomorrow...although my husband just reported that our computer at home crashed...later!

New Jersey

2005-03-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm here.

This is how I was woken this morning...

6:30 am...I'm FINALLY asleep after a night of Elizabeth rolling on me, grinding her teeth, crying for her daddy, etc. I'm sleeping on Aunt Meggy's blow up aero-bed (which sucks by the way) in their family room. I've never had the pleasure of an aero bed, but it has more movement than a water bed and because its filled with air, it was like sleeping on a block of ice. Anyhoo...I had just dozed off, hoping to get a few winks before all 4 kids get up and all hell breaks loose...when enter HARRY JOHN!! HJ was on his way to work when he decides to pull the plug on my aero bed...thus quickly deflating it and making me crash to the hard wood floor. Jack Ass just stood there laughing at me wrapped up in this sorry excuse for a bed they make their guests sleep on!! Everyone should have a brother-in-law like Harry John.

To top it all off, HJ just informed us he took tomorrow off...

Easter Week

2005-03-20T16:21:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly...it's Holy Week!!

I'm back from St. Patrick's Day!! I'm just about recovered as we roll into Holy Week...Truthfully, I was very good with my appletini intake...not so good with my dessert intake (has everyone seen the apple pies from Costco?? Two words: De Licious!). Well, I've decided that was my last "hurrah"! I am going to get serious AGAIN about my eating habits and exercise. I need to get back in tip top warrior shape!

On Saturday night we watched the movie "Dodgeball" with Ben Stiller...loved it! I don't know anyone else who has seen it, but we thoroughly enjoyed it. It brought back so many great childhood memories watching kids get pelted with a red playground ball. Do you know they don't allow school kids to play dodgeball on the playground anymore because it's too dangerous? or Red Rover? Sheesh...If they got rid of those, I would assume they did away with my husband's favorites, Smear the Queer and Fag Tag. Those were my husband's games/words, not mine...I, personally, was partial to SPUD.

On Tuesday, I leave for NJ to spend Easter with Aunt Meggy and Harry John!! I promise to do my best to blog from there, but I will have to wait until Harry John is out of sight...

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2005-03-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my readers!! This holiday is a big day in our home, as my family is composed of Higgins, Flynns, Brennans, McHughs, etc. Unfortunately, I married a Kraut so I have to work hard today to show my true heritage (my father-in-law has some Irish blood, so they can't be all bad...). I do draw the line at making cornbeef and cabbage...PEEE UUUU!! That stuff stinks up the house! Actually, I should be honest...I draw the line at cooking most things...However, we are having some friends over for Appletinis, beer, and Irish desserts.

My husband even took the day off to be with his Irish maid (his pet name for moi). Over breakfast, he reminisced about St. Pat's Day during his childhood. Allegedly, his mother made either a shamrock cake or a leprechaun cake and decorated it with her homemade green icing. I just stared at him...then I said, "I hope you're not expecting that". I mean does he NOT read my Suburban Warrior profile?? I hate all things domestic and that includes MAKING GREEN YUMMY TREATS ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY ...even if I am Irish. I told him to go pour himself a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Last year, I told Elizabeth the tradition of pinching anyone that isn't wearing green. As usual, that backfired and she was written up at school for disorderly conduct. THAT'S MY IRISH GIRL!! What a lass that one is going to be!

Aunt Meggy and Harry John really celebrate...they have babysitters lined up THROUGH SUNDAY!!!

Anyhoo...Kelli Eileen wishes all of you a very Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

The Return of Harry John

2005-03-16T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I knew HE would rear his balding head again...and he did.

In case you missed it, Harry John left one of his disturbing comments after my "Bahama Mama" post. It caught me off guard, as his rant didn't really pertain to anything I've discussed. Once again, I sense anger at the female gender and at stay at home mothers in particular from HJ...Don't worry...I'm sure if Suburban Warrior and all her readers put their heads together we can diagnose what ails Harry John!!

In order to get to the origin of his hate, Harry John needs to honestly look at his past...and to do that he needs to honestly answer the following questions:

Has HJ ever had a homosexual experience?
Is HJ in love with his mother?
Is HJ in love with his unmarried brother?
Is HJ's thong too tight?
Why does HJ secretly wear Easy Spirit shoes for women?

I think if he can truthfully answer these questions we might start peeling away the evil onion layers that make up Harry John. Are my readers with me?

Also...Harry John, I don't mean to be rude, but your grammar and sentence structure... ATROCIOUS! You may want to invest in "The Idiots Guide to Basic Writing".

Anyhoo...say a little prayer for Aunt Meggy.

Barely Surviving

2005-03-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

Please excuse Suburban Warrior for having some lame posts recently...I've been ill with fever. So, this will be a short one, too.

Basically, I have aches, dull headache, slight fever and it feels like all my teeth are wearing tiny sweaters (you know...that yucky, sticky, sick taste that you get in your mouth when you're sick...). But I go on...because I am warrior.

I have spent the last two days on my couch in our family room or in my bed. Elizabeth has been very good at entertaining herself...although I admit she hit an all time high on straight computer play at 3 hours the other day (not all bad as she advanced about 6 levels in her Kim Possible game). However, I did catch her climbing the pantry shelves to get some Lucky Charms. It reminded me of when I was little and my older sister and I would get up early and try and sneak some cookies before our parents woke up. I was the "lookout" in the hallway and she was the actual thief who went to the kitchen to get the goods. After about 2 minutes, she would run past me and yell at me to hurry up and follow her. After we got back to our room and locked the door, I would say, "where are the cookies...how many did you get?" She would then lift up her nightgown and pull the cookies out of her UNDERPANTS!!! The sick part is we would eat them! E. Coli anyone? Oh, God...I just made myself nauseous again.

The Grim Reaper Strikes Again

2005-03-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

We have more counter space in our kitchen...Nemo died.

Running Out of Options

2005-03-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

The Barbie suitcase was packed again this morning.

Once again, Elizabeth threatened me with leaving because she didn't like my rules (granted, my rules are really rigid and mean...like brush your teeth, make your bed, eat your breakfast, etc. Yeah, with those rules I make Joan Crawford look like Mary Frickin Poppins). Unlike last time, she did take the time to outfit herself in her favorite pair of Strawberry Shortcake underpants (recently, Elizabeth has been in this phase of only wearing her Strawberry Shortcake undies. Problem is her "shortcake undies" are a size 4 and Elizabeth is pushing 6, so she's constantly pulling her undies out of her ass. Does anyone know where they sell Size 6 Strawberry Shortcake underpants?).

My dilemma is that when I tell Elizabeth to go to her room, she sometimes looks right at me and simply replies, "no". Sometimes she says, "no, thank you". Now, I realize there are readers out there (and you know who you are!) who would simply say to give her a spanking or as my mother so eloquently says, "that kid needs a smash" (don't go getting your Strawberry Shortcake panties in a bunch....my mother is all talk and I was not abused in the least as a child). I'm not making any judgment on parents who do spank their children, but its not a form of punishment that works in our house. I find myself physically carrying my child to her room, which is not easy to do as Elizabeth is almost 6 years old and is no shrinking violet (remember, she IS a Strawberry Shortcake size 6!!). While I'm doing this, she is struggling and it is everything in my power to remain calm. By the time she's in her room I feel like I've gone 13 rounds...and its only 8:00 am. I want to make clear this does not happen often, but when it does I question my approach!

I know I would never resort to this approach.!!!

So I ask you, is there a better way???

Bahama Mama

2005-03-10T10:37:00.000-08:00

Aunt Meggy is on yet another roadtrip...

She left this morning for the Bahamas with a bunch of her stay-at-home mother friends. All week she's been calling me and giving me the countdown to her vacation...and I'm sure she'll be calling from poolside, fruity drink in hand, later this afternoon. Damn her and her Bahama friends.

Of course, Aunt Meggy was excited to go, but first she had to survive the plane ride. I've flown with Aunt Meggy and let me tell you something...it ain't pretty. She's petrified and doesn't hide it. "What's that noise?", "why hasn't the pilot come on the loudspeaker yet?", "that stewardess has a funny look on her face", and every type of Catholic prayer that exists spews from Aunt Meggy's mouth. It's very annoying. This trip to the Bahamas included a short puddle jumper plane, so I'm sure she's in rare form... When she called from the airport this morning to say goodbye I sang "La Bamba" to her. She was not amused. Additionally, to make her feel guilty about leaving her children, I pointed out what would be said to her children in the event Aunt Meggy should perish in a plane crash...kids:"why was Mommy on a plane without the whole family?". Hmmm..."well, kids, your mommy needed a break and she was willing to take the risk in order to get away from you". That would put them in therapy for a few years.

Truthfully, I'm glad Aunt Meggy has this opportunity...and like I told her, I honestly hope nothing happens when her plane flies over the Bermuda triangle.

Bon Voyage!

The Red Tent

2005-03-08T12:48:00.000-08:00

Has anyone read the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant?

My friend recommended it to me. When I asked what it was about, she said, "its from the Bible and depicts the ancient world of caravans, farmers, midwives in the tribe of Jacob". What the #%$??? Thanks, but no thanks. But my friend insisted it was entertaining and she is usually a good judge of books, so I checked it out from my local library.

Well, let me tell you something about those Bible people...they were gettin it on!!! Everyone was having sex with everyone, even the sheep!! And Jacob...well he was apparently the "bomb" (I could make a really bad joke about "Bible tale", but I won't). He had four wives, who happened to be sisters, and for the most part they seemed very satisfied with the arrangement (eewwww...I just had a thought, that would be like me and all my sisters sharing Harry John). Apparently, Jacob gave new meaning to the term, The Promised Land!! Jackie Collins could learn a thing or two from these characters.

The coolest part of the book, and hence the title, is this concept of the red tent. You see, back then, when women were experiencing that time of the month, they all herded into this red tent for a few days (as often is the case, when women live together their cycles tend to coincide. I know this from sorority house living). So, all the women are excused from work, sex, and basically interacting with society in general during this time. No cooking, cleaning, picking up camel doo doo, nada!! The women simply hang out in the red tent! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!! I think I'm going to pitch my own red tent in my backyard next month!!! My cycle is usually towards the end of the month...anyone else want to join me for some R and R???

Read the book!

Getting On With Our Lives

2005-03-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth is doing fine after the death of Rainbow.

I think reporting the death of Rainbow to Elizabeth actually reminded her she even HAD fish. Basically, she couldn't have cared less...

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the readers who sent their condolences,heartfelt prayers, and casseroles. I would also like to address my mother-in-law...STOP THE PUPPY PUSHING!!! No puppy (or any live animal for that matter) can replace our Rainbow, so I truly believe we shouldn't even try. The memories of Rainbow will sustain us...at least until Elizabeth is ten years old and can pick up pooh pooh by herself.

So, we sit here waiting for Nemo to go belly up...

Death Notice

2005-03-05T07:09:00.000-08:00

Rainbow

On Friday, March 4, 2005 of Loudoun County, Virginia. Loving fish of Elizabeth; grandfish of Suburban Warrior and spouse. Most likely to be followed in death by her beloved Nemo.

Private services and interment were held in the family's powder room bathroom. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Petco.

RIP Rainbow... "may you never again experience swimming upside down, too much chlorine in your bowl or too much food...rejoice as you enter the gates of heaven". You will always be young and orange to us...good-bye to a true friend.

Boogers Boogers Everywhere

2005-03-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

Everytime I turn around I see something booger related.

Today, I'm sitting at a red light and I look over at the driver next to me. Clear as day, I can see him diggin to China up his nose. Its one thing to sneak a pick while your vehicle is moving, but when you're stationary?? How very arrogant. I keep my gaze on him, as I want to humiliate him when he catches me staring at him (I obviously have not put the heshe incident from Starbucks behind me). No luck, as the light turns green...but you know how determined Suburban Warrior is! I am now speeding, changing lanes, risking life and limb...all this simply to catch up to the picker and see if he is still hard at work...But when my daughter says, "Mommy SLOW DOWN!" I stop the chase. Defeated I mumble to myself, "we'll meet again, gross little man...another day, another road, but mark my words, we WILL meet again..." (although he'll probably give himself a brain aneurysm before I see him again...).

It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I am constantly battling boogers in my own home as well. My daughter would rather walk 20 feet PAST the tissue box to smear her boogers on our family room couch. And don't even get me started on what the wall next to her bed looks like! Oh, and Elizabeth doesn't limit herself to sticking her boogers on inanimate objects...oh no, my husband and I have, on more than one occasion, found her "stickies" on our own bodies, as well as our coats, pants, socks, pillows, etc. Yes, I know most kids go through this, but it is still disgusting. My nephew, Jack, went through a stage where he would pick his nose, roll up his booger, place it on the tip of his pointer finger, show it to you and simply say, "lighthouse". Okaaaaaaayyyy...

Well, at least they're not eating their boogers...

Aunt Meggy's Road Trip

2005-03-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

My little sister (who we refer to as Aunt Meggy) is heading to Atlantic City tonight!! She is very excited as this is a nice break from being a Mommy to Harry John's three demon seeds. The only downside is that Harry John is accompanying her because he has a business meeting in AC.

My sister LOVES to gamble and can't get enough of it. When she turned thirty a few years ago, she requested we celebrate by going to Atlantic City for the night. I had never been to Atlantic City so I was looking forward to it. Well, I don't know why I bothered going...Aunt Meggy becomes a different person when she enters the casino floor...its like she's possessed...her eyes glaze over and she begins "sniffing" for a lucky table or slot machine. I don't think she was even aware that a group of her friends had travelled over four hours to spend the evening with her. I was ready to go home after about ten minutes. I just don't get it...and I mean that literally...I don't get it, I don't understand how to play the odds in craps, roulette, blackjack, anything!!! The most annoying thing is that I'm surrounded by drunken slobs who DO get it!! Even my sister, who never got higher than a C- in Math in her entire academic life, has to keep explaining the rules and the odds to me. I secretly think she loved having that power over me. I know Aunt Meggy was just showboating when she started with her "double down, let it ride, and hit me" talk!!

Anyhoo...good luck tonight at the Borgata, Aunt Meggy!! Remember the wisdom of Kenny Rogers and "know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and know when to run". Additionally, know when to stop drinking because you have to "deal" with your children in the morning!

Did He Just Do That?

2005-03-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe what happened at Starbucks yesterday!

My friend, Les, and I went to Starbucks for some girl time. We ordered our usual, chai teas and bran muffins (which I highly recommend to get you "moving"). After a few minutes, the tea and muffin had the desired effect and I excused myself to use the Ladies Room (I emphasize the word "Ladies"). Well, when I was just about 2 feet from the Ladies Room door I noticed a man trying the handle to the Men's Room, which was locked. He then quickly turned, looked me right in the eye, and dashed into the LADIES ROOM!! I stood there stunned. Did he just do that?

I ran back to Les and told her what this heshe just did to me. Of course, she was appalled. I could have waited for heshe to finish his business from my table, but I wanted heshe to feel some shame or humiliation for his crass actions. So, I returned to the Ladies Room door and practically smashed my face against the door waiting for heshe to exit...so I could look HIM right in the eye! I waited...and waited...and waited...Heshe was obviously having issues, but I didn't give up and I refused to leave my perch. Heshe FINALLY came out and practically ran me over...and he didn't say one darn thing to me!! Stunned again, I went into the bathroom...only to find the toilet seat still up and the rim wet!! Ugh, that's so Harry John!

So, I ask my readers...what would you have done?

Million Dollar Blog

2005-02-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

Did everyone watch the Oscars last night?

Unfortunately, Suburban Warrior was still recovering from her late Friday night and fell asleep about 30 minutes into the show. But I did have some comments...

What is the deal with Renee Zellweger?? I'm sure she's a very nice person, but I, personally, find her fugly. In my book, she's physically gone downhill since "Jerry Maguire". I admit she's a very good actress and is dedicated enough to her craft that she is willing to gain a zillion pounds for a role (but come to think of it, I'm just as dedicated... since I've obtained "the role" of stay at home mother, I, too, have gained close to a zillion pounds. Unfortunately, I don't have a million bucks and some hunky personal trainer to help me take the weight off...). But what is the deal with her shiny face?? I would love to take a Stridex pad to her face and see what I come up with! And did you see her last night with her dark hair? Is it my imagination or is she slowly turning Asian?

Ugh, and you can take Annette Bening and Warren (note to Warren: there is nothing sexy about an old goat siring children in his 60's). I enjoyed Annette in "The Grifters", but now she acts as though she is Hollywood royalty. She tries so damn hard to look "poised". She worked the red carpet like she had an Oscar up her ass. Who the hell does she think she is? Dame Judy Dench? I was happy to see her get "Swanked" by Hillary Swank, AGAIN!!

Clint Eastwood...I could take him or leave him. He did look better than he's looked in the past. I remember when I saw "Bridges of Madison County" (snoozefest by the way) a few years ago. He was repulsive with his veins throbbing in his forehead and liver spots all over his body. Clint was suppose to be sexy in that?? Ok, then...my grandfather still has a chance to be voted People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive".

Sorry, but that's all the time I have for today...schools are closed AGAIN because of the weather. If I have to play one more game of Uno...

Girls Night

2005-02-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my ladies' night last night. Everytime I go to these get togethers my maturity level drops at least 20 years! Speaking of maturity, try this quiz. I would bet that none of my friends scores over age 30. I know I didn't, but then again, I still enjoy watching "Saved by the Bell".

As usual, my friends and I had a side-splitting good time. We discussed our book, parenting, sex (thanks for all the tips, Sally), fashion (which was all Greek to me) and health. I must admit I did leave this morning feeling freakishly fat. One can only listen to women discussing the best place to purchase Size 0 Long pants for so long...

Stay tuned for comments from the Academy Awards...